


The Girls, The Gays, and The Theys of the Archive

by ImaginativeAndArgumentative



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: AU, End!Georgie, Eye!Martin, Eye!Tim, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Jon became an avatar in uni, Lonely!Martin, Multi, Nonbinary Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Slaughter!Melanie, Spiral!Sasha, Vast!Tim, Web!Jon, all monsters - Freeform, chat fic, eye!Sasha, oops the spiral took the timeline, text fic, they're all avatars, this is as canon compliant as the flesh is compliant to anatomy, this was suppose to be funny now its got a plot and angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaginativeAndArgumentative/pseuds/ImaginativeAndArgumentative
Summary: H£ቺ£n: Nikola hëre is big proponent of no thoughts head emptyGloriousClownCar: :o)) I AmH£ቺ£n: Jon is too but only because at some point they run out things to repress and have to move on to thoughtsSpareTraumaPls: …Tim wishes his sugargrandpa situation made sense, Jon counting down the days until Elias gets his head out of his ass, Sasha wants her friends to stop being a collective disaster and they all try to stop Martin from hanging out with lonely old men.
Relationships: Danny Stoker & Tim Stoker, Georgie Barker & Melanie King & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Gerard Keay & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Michael | The Distortion, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker (Maybe), Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 14
Kudos: 93





	1. welcome to hell, Djun

**Author's Note:**

> **titles a work in progress**
> 
> if your here and your looking for lighthearted comedy then i'm going to lie to you and say its here. This was suppose to be just crackhead moments in an all avatar all friends au but i couldn't let go of the original universe's angst so now it's that it just has a plot...I think. 
> 
> What you need to know for this au is  
> -its still in the works but after 195 episode i had to publish one of the scenes (i want to have a valid hipster moment goddamn)  
> \- it starts recently after Jon is first promoted, but the timeline is mush dont go looking for it  
> \- Basira and Daisy are here the only reason i havent tagged them is that i havent written anything with them in it  
> -i think the rest can be intuitive

Jon’s Phone

**ClownFuckers (3+ are online)**

**SpareTraumaPls:** _screenshot-of-email.png_ it reads [Email 8:20am

From:  **E.Bouchard@MagnusInstitute.org**

To: ** J.Sims@MagnusInstitute.org ** & others 

Subject: **MEETING @2 pm today**

Hello all,

As you know we have our monthly department head meeting TODAY AT 2 O’CLOCK. I expect all of you to be there at the dot.

I’d also like to congratulate our new Head Archivist’s, Johnathan Sims, for the outstanding work he's put out in the short amount of time he's been in his position John has _... read more _

Elias Bouchard

Head of the Magnus Institute] End screenshot

**SpareTraumaPls:** You think for an omniscient avatar, Elias would know how to spell

 **M?chael:** i+s B0uc4ard w0t ud 3xp3ct h3 trad3d h15 bra1n ce775 for w33d.

 **SpareTrumaPls:** Theres only 2 ways to spell my name. TWO(2) And somehow he picked wrong. He had a 50/50 chance and still got it wrong. Not even that I'm his employee he has access to like literally every official document that he needs! How?

 **H£ቺ£n:** Well your wrong too

 **SpareTraumaPls:** It's my name!

 **H£ቺ£n:** maybe it is but there is still more than one way to spell it 

**SpareTraumaPls:** Like what

 **GloriousClownCar:** Gyohn

 **H£ቺ£n:** Jean

 **GloriousClownCar:** Gyon

 **H£ቺ£n:** Xoán

 **GloriousClownCar:** Djun

 **H£ቺ£n:** ooh like that one

 **H£ቺ£n:** its not his fault, Djun. John is just the most common spelling of your name in this region

 **GloriousClownCar:** *Nods*

_**GloriousClownCar** has changed **SpareTraumaPls** 's name to **Djun** _

**Djun:** Thank you I hated every part of this experience

 **H£ቺ£n:** boohoo

 **GloriousClownCar:** You Love Us

 **Djun:** That is not something I can confirm

 **GloriousClownCar:** :o(

**Georgie 😻**

**Georgie😻:** Is it ok if I invite Melanie over this weekend

 **Georgie😻:** You can bring someone too

 **You:** Its your house?

 **Georgie😻:** Yeah but I know Saturday movies are our thing and you and Melanie dont always see eye to eye so i wanted to make sure

 **You:** …

 **You:** Was that a pun?

 **Georgie😻:** :p

 **Georgie😻:** Is that a yes?

 **You:** I get the admiral on Sunday

 **Georgie😻:** :) <3

 **You:** <3 :)

* * *

Tim’s Phone

_You have added: **S. James** & **M. Blackwood** to a Chat _

_You have named the Chat: **Johnny-Bois Lackeys** _

**Johnny-Bois Lackeys (S. James is online)**

**Timbo:** sup

_**S. James** has changed their name to **Sasha** _

_**Sasha** has named the Chat: **Work Chat** _

**Timbo:** your no fun

 **Sasha:** *you’re

 **Sasha:** And I agree you are no fun indeed. Quite boring.

 **Timbo:** This is an attack on my very nature and it will not be forgotten

 **Sasha:** Dramatic gay bitch

 **Timbo:** *bi

  
  


_You have been added to a Chat by: **J. Sims** , along with **S. James** & **M. Blackwood** _

**Work Chat (J. Sims & S. James are online)**

**J. Sims:** I’ve decided that it would be most conducive if we had a shared way of communication, so I made a group chat.

 **T. Stoker:** ok

 **S. James:** good idea

 **M. Blackwood:** cool

_**M. Blackwood** is now offline _

**Work Chat (Sasha is online)**

_You have named the Chat: **Johnny-Bois Lackeys** _

**Sasha:** Sigh

 **Sasha:** You win

 **Timbo:** ah yiss

  
  


**Sasha💖**

**You:** im impressed

 **You:** I thought this promotion was going push that stick up his ass further

 **Sasha💖:** *I’m

 **Sasha💖:** He’s always like this?

 **You:** I mean yeah at work definitely

 **You:** concentrated and talented but a bit of a hard ass

 **Sasha💖:** Hard-ass

 **You:** You sure do love grammar

 **Sasha💖:** Maybe i jsut lkie sohwnig you how maennigelss luangauge is %)

 **You:** Pretty sure you just like being a know it all

 **Sasha💖:** 💖

 **Sasha💖:** *know-it-all

 **Sasha💖:** Do you know what's up with the new guy? He’s quiet af

 **You:** Martin

 **You:** ?

 **You:** He use to work in the library i think he’s one of Lukas’s

 **Sasha💖:** *Lukas’

 **Sasha💖:** ‘One of’ like he’s Lonely Or ‘one of’ like Lukas wants to play with humans

 **You:** **Lukas’s

 **You:** dunno maybe both I wouldn’t take his aloofness personally

 **Sasha:** ***Lukas’

 **You:** fuck you I’m right

 **You:** _screenshot-of-grammar.website/apostropherules.png_

**Sasha💖:** It literally says underneath that either is correct

 **You:** which means I’m right

 **Sasha💖:** And I’m not wrong %)

 **Sasha💖:** I’m gonna reach out, I’m thinking movie night this friday

 **You:** 👍

* * *

Martin's phone

**Mr. Lukas**

**You:** eggs

Cheese

Bread

Earl Grey

Honey

**Mr. Lukas:** wtf

 **You:** sorry i didn't know you unblocked me

 **Mr. Lukas:** When have I ever blocked you

 **You:** yes

 **Mr. Lukas:** Well i only block you for your own good 

**You:** and what does that mean

 **Mr. Lukas:** I travel alot and i don't want to burden you with international fees

 **You:** oh ok

 **Mr. Lukas:** How is your new job 

**You:** they seem nice

 **Mr. Lukas:** That's good, but i wouldn't be too eager academic types can be pretty cliquey

 **You:** can they

 **Mr. Lukas:** Maybe it hasn't been long enough but you'll see it soon

**Unknown Number**

**Unknown:** Hey, it's Sasha from work

 **Unknown:** Tim and I are getting together Friday for a movie night, you’re invited

_You Updated this Contact_

**You:** Thank you do you want me to bring anything?

 **Sasha:** Nope just yourself :)

  
  


**Mum**

**You:** hey mum hows it going 

Seen **✓**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor martin it will get better the rest of the archives will make sure of that :))


	2. Fear isn't solid Timberly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annabananaspider: i thought america was 5 hours behind  
> FuckLeiter: America's huge it's got like five different time zones. Texas is like 6hrs behind london  
> Annabananaspider: why are you in texas  
> FuckLeitner: I'm hanging out with Julia and Trevor  
> SpareTraumaPls: you mean you got kidnapped?  
> FuckLeitner: fuck yeah  
> Annabananaspider: where’s michael  
> M?chael: 1’m @ a waffl3 h0us3

Tim's Phone

**Work Chat (J. Sims is online)**

**J.Sims:** @T. Stoker, when you're available, can you meet me in my office.

 **T. Stoker:** sure thing boss

  
  


**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Sasha:** ooh someone got called to the principal's office

 **Timbo:** r00d

 **Timbo:** he probably just wants to give me another statement to follow up

_**M.** **Blackwood** is online_

**M.Blackwood:** Hi? what's this?

 **Timbo:** Groupchat without the boss

 **M.Blackwood:** ok

_**M. Blackwood** has changed their name to **Martin**_

_**Martin** is now offline _

  
  


**Sasha💖**

**Sasha💖:** what's the real reason, spill

 **You:** he gave me a new follow up

 **Sasha💖:** hhmm

 **You:** What?

 **Sasha** **💖:** not as cool

 **You:** wdym

 **Sasha💖:** oh nothing I just know you have a crush on him ‘,:) 

**Sashs** **💖:** 💖

 **You:** cute but I don't have a crush

 **Sasha💖:** Bet

 **Sasha💖:** _6screenshots-of-TimGushingOverJonSpanningOver2Years.png_

**You:** fucking Eyes

 **Sasha💖:** 👀👀

 **You:** hello darling I've missed you too

 **Sasha💖:** it's not as fun when you know 

**You:** well even if I didn't I'd know those eyes anywhere

 **Sasha💖:** sap

 **You:** ❤

 **Sasha💖:** 💖

* * *

Peter’s Phone

**Avatars of London (M?chael is online)**

**Plukas:** [ _drdoof-if-ihadnickel-foreverytime-theLonely-blocked-mycontacts.jpeg_ ](https://i.redd.it/vjk8fplqmmu41.jpg)

**Eyelias:** liar

 **Plukas:** am not 

**Eyelias:** how do you get drawings on here i want to do the man with the tongue

 **M?chael:** :P ?

 **Eyelias:** YEs yes thats him thank you

 **Eyelias:** :P ?

 **Plukas:** did you just copy paste

 **M?chel:** I didn't think you were suppose to be this old

 **Eyelias:** well how else was I supposed to get him on the screen

 **M?chael:**

_M?chael is now offline_

_Plukas is now offline_

**Eyelias:** :P ? rude

* * *

Tim’s Phone

**New skin who’s this**

**Timbo:** Bouchard has a new Archivist place bets to see how long they have until they start manifesting powers

 **Timbo:** keep in mind they’re already touched by the Web and they per Institute specialty have no external ties

 **TheBetterStoker:** 8 months and 10¥

 **Timbo:** sorry I only take pound sterling

 **GloriousClownCar:** 1 Year But I Want To Ask My Eye Friend Before I Put My Money Down

 **Timbo:** 1) cheating

 **GloriousClownCar:** I Know Where You Live

 **Timbo:** *cheating that I'll allow

 **GloriousClownCar:** :oD

 **Timbo:** and 2) you’re friends with Eyes? aren’t they like you’re mortal enemy

 **TheBetterStoker:** that’s a flawed way of thinking

 **Timbo:** ?

 **GloriousClownCar:** You Need To Stop Reading Smirke’s Dusty Tomes Your Poor Brain’s Getting Wrinkles

 **TheBetterStoker:** I thought brain wrinkles meant more connections and better learning

 **Timbo:** it does, but I think she means with better connections the more you rely on them rather than making new ones 

**GloriousClownCar:** Well i Meant Ugly But That Works Too! *boops nose* :o))

 **Timbo:** please never do that again and I’ll invest in a solid brain lotion

 **GloriousClownCar:** Fear Isnt Solid And Neither Is Lotion,Timberly

 **TheBetterStoker:** Yeah Timberly

 **Timbo:** sigh

 **Timbo:** also wtf danny I’m not taking a 7p bet 

**TheBetterStoker:** ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

 **Timbo:** do better, be better

 **TheBetterStoker:** you’re the one who’s taking bets on your coworker’s humanity

 **Timbo:** _Youve-got-me-there.gif_

 **GloriousClownCar:** My Eye Friend Says: “the Eye is a bitch you’ll have an easier time trying to predict Helen’s Fractal patterns”

 **GloriousClownCar:** anyway I say a year and put me down for three rabbits

 **Timbo:** yeah? sure?

* * *

  
Jon’s phone

**Nikola (do not feed after midnight)**

**Nikola (do not feed after midnight):** how long would it take for someone in the archives at the institute to develop a connection to Ceaseless watcher

 **You:** idk Nikola its 11:40

 **Nikola (do not feed after midnight):** would it help if they were hypothetically the head archivist

 **You:** idk Nikola, the Eye is a bitch you’d have an easier time trying to predict Helen’s fractal patterns

 **You:** Nikola why do you need to know

 **You:** You know i'm already an avatar 

**You:** Nikola

* * *

Sasha’s phone

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** how long do you think Jon’s got before the job “catches up” with him like it did Gertrude

 **You:** Tim its midnight

 **My Timbo:** ok and?

 **My Timbo:** How long?

 **You:** why do you want to know

 **My Timbo:** bc idk i want to know

 **You:** you want to show off dont you

 **My Timbo:** so fucking bad

 **You:** ah my poor poor peacock man

 **You:** 3̵͙̻̈́̑̔m̷̧͉̮͛o̵̡̼n̸̞͇̓͑t̶͈̙̐h̵̺̼̏̕ê̵͕̈́̕s̴̘͎̈́͊ ̸̲̗̽̔f̸̘̻́̆͝o̷̙͘r̸̤͉̊ ̶̤̣̭͝f̴͈̈́̾͊i̴̭̩͎̿r̸̞̍s̴̢̘̟̒ẗ̵̺́̓̓ ̸̢̖̂̀͘s̶͔̻͇̑ĩ̴̙̝̩g̶̠̑͒n̵͍͎͆͠ ̶̯͊1̴̦͇̗̃y̵̜͚̖̒̌̏e̴̘̙͕̋͛ą̷̾ř̸̥̉ ̵̗̈͗f̵͕̹̋͌̑͜o̴̡̰̐̉͋r̵̜̀ ̴̬̣͐thęm̴̦̣̦̐̍ n̸̨̪̤̄o̸̮̿̆ṭ̴̞̓̋͘i̶̦̟͜͝͠c̸̨̠̍ḭ̷̩͉̾͒n̸̼̮̎͆ͅg̸͙̲̗̚ 

**My Timbo:** Nikola said her Eye friend couldn’t predict it 

**You:** I’m not Eye

 **My Timbo:** You’re not?

 **You:** well yes I’m mostly eye but what ever teh fuck that was was not eye

 **My Timbo:** *the

 **You:** very funny

 **You:** didn’t Fairchild explain this to you

 **My Timbo:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **My Timbo:** he only talks to me when I annoy Elias

 **You:** oof

 **You:** Micheals bf explains it better, but basically fear is like a color spectrum and the entities are basically a bunch color palettes. And like in palettes, ‘colors’ can be shared. Avatars work with specific part of a palette and sometimes that leads to blurred 'allegiance'

 **You:** Eye, Stranger, Web and sometimes even Hunt all work a form of paranoia and some Avatars feed on that crossroad or pick the specific version of paranoia their entity uses. The Eye and Spiral can both with 'terrible knowledge' but Eye works with it hurting you directly while the Spiral works with it overtaking you and your thinking. 

**You:** I’m Eye primarily but I could ‘feed’ off the Spiral if I had to, because how i serve the can also be used to serve the Spiral

 **You:** you get it now?

 **My Timbo:** Barely

 **My Timbo:** so what was that then

 **You:** hell if I know. I love tech but i doesn't love me when i’m sleep deprived

 **My Timbo:** oof sympathies

 **You:** Smirke thought that avatars could create their own entity out of their abilities

 **My Timbo:** i thought you thought Smirke was 'a insignificant ponce with penchant for luck and guessing'

 **You:** he is, but his daughter, Laura actually spent time and research making a theory that made more sense, I mean it still doesn’t bc she actually did r̵̡͖̬̯͔͔̽͋͑̒̔̓̉͘͝ẽ̶͇̥͎́̊̽͠͝͝s̴̢͎͔̩͇̖̝̪̱̩͈̯̩̬͚͠ē̶̢͔̭̟̳͙͕̬̰͑̈́̇̈́̅ā̵̢͎̯̩̳̯̪͑̑̾̈́̌̌́͊̇̚̕͝͝͝rc̵̬̠͔̥̺̻̝̭̞͎͈͑̏̎̈́͝h

 **My Timbo:** gotcce so how much are you putting down

 **You:** none I'm going to bed now you should too

 **My Timbo:** >:p

* * *

Sasha’s phone

**Johnny-bois lackeys**

**Sasha:** Happy Friday Boys, you ready for tonight

 **Timbo:** yep I rented Yakuza Apocalypse and Jonah Lives

 **Sasha:** what in the world are those

 **Timbo:** horror comedy and horror drama

 **Timbo:** respectively

 **Sasha:** your taste is actually rubbish you know that right

 **Timbo:** it's almost halloween

 **Sasha:** we work at spooky central it's always halloween

 **Martin:** I thought they sounded cool

 **Martin:** what are they about

 **Timbo:** Thank you martin

  
  


**M̴̨͔̼͔͍̘̙̯͈̊i̶̧̢͇̫̿̑͂̄͗͐c̷̢̖͈̤̫̗͐̓̽̈́͗̆̽͜͝h̷͕̺̬̲͓͗̅̌̋̐͌̑̿̿̿̈͝ͅe̵͇͈̮̯̪̭͇̣͚͊͛̆̉a̷͚̼͍͉͚̙͖̾̒̂̉̔̓̈́̅͋̾l̸̡̡̢̻̖͓̱͓̗̬͚͂̐͋̎̈́̾̓̅̐͘͝ ̷̨̧̡̜̞̱̭̪̱̟̳̬͉͚̑̅̋̿ <̵̗̼͓̲͍͛͊̊̔̾̋͌͌͜3̸̡̡͍̘̼͓̱̫̳̟̘͉͉̯̖̊͗̏̕͝ **

**Micheal <3:** I miss Gerry

 **Micheal <3:** %-((

 **You:** so? visit him? Space and time? Are? Irrelevant? Especially? To you????

 **Micheal <3:** Helen wont let me use our hallway

 **You:** aren’t you the hallway

 **Micheal <3:** I am!

 **Micheal <3:** but i'm not and Helen is and isn’t the hallway as well and she doesn't want to

 **You:** well tell her I told her its your turn with the hallway

* * *

Helen’s Phone

**Twinsies**

**ጉധ1nS!es:** Shasa syas its my trun wtih the Door

 **丫0ų:** tlel Sahaa she deson’t konw the pian of hvaing an aemicran in her hllaawys 

* * *

Sasha’s phone

**M̴̨͔̼͔͍̘̙̯͈̊i̶̧̢͇̫̿̑͂̄͗͐c̷̢̖͈̤̫̗͐̓̽̈́͗̆̽͜͝h̷͕̺̬̲͓͗̅̌̋̐͌̑̿̿̿̈͝ͅe̵͇͈̮̯̪̭͇̣͚͊͛̆̉a̷͚̼͍͉͚̙͖̾̒̂̉̔̓̈́̅͋̾l̸̡̡̢̻̖͓̱͓̗̬͚͂̐͋̎̈́̾̓̅̐͘͝ ̷̨̧̡̜̞̱̭̪̱̟̳̬͉͚̑̅̋̿ <̵̗̼͓̲͍͛͊̊̔̾̋͌͌͜3̸̡̡͍̘̼͓̱̫̳̟̘͉͉̯̖̊͗̏̕͝ **

**Micheal <3: ** she said no %(

  
  
  


**НЗlleИ**

**You:** let Michael see Gerry please it's their hallway too

 **НЗlleИ:** but Americans

 **НЗlleИ:** theyre greasy and get all my stuff sticky and gross and they never properly appreciate my gizmos. They never go ' ahhh nooo the glory of nonsense and insanity is collapsing my very brain. Oooh my concept of self and thought is becoming psychedelic goo' They don't even become mildly concerned they just go 'ooh noice that looks like a truck stop I saw when I went to ohio' and move on %((

 **НЗlleИ:** what in the ever loving fuck is ohio and why do I have to suffer in the shadow of it's unctuous little legacy

 **You:** then ask them not pick anybody up

 **You:** pls Helen, Michael looks really sad

 **НЗlleИ:** no

 **You:** you have until the count of five until i find American tourists and put them In your halls

 **НЗlleИ:** nœ

 **You:** 5

 **You:** 4

 **НЗlleИ:** your not actually going to do it

 **You:** 3

 **You:** 2

 **НЗlleИ:** fine they can see their boyfriend

 **You:** :) good girl

 **НЗlleИ:** whatever

**M̴̨͔̼͔͍̘̙̯͈̊i̶̧̢͇̫̿̑͂̄͗͐c̷̢̖͈̤̫̗͐̓̽̈́͗̆̽͜͝h̷͕̺̬̲͓͗̅̌̋̐͌̑̿̿̿̈͝ͅe̵͇͈̮̯̪̭͇̣͚͊͛̆̉a̷͚̼͍͉͚̙͖̾̒̂̉̔̓̈́̅͋̾l̸̡̡̢̻̖͓̱͓̗̬͚͂̐͋̎̈́̾̓̅̐͘͝ ̷̨̧̡̜̞̱̭̪̱̟̳̬͉͚̑̅̋̿ <̵̗̼͓̲͍͛͊̊̔̾̋͌͌͜3̸̡̡͍̘̼͓̱̫̳̟̘͉͉̯̖̊͗̏̕͝ **

**You:** you’re welcome

 **Micheal <3: **%)

**Work Chat**

**S. James:** You guys ever babysit siblings? It's the worse

 **T. Stoker:** I wasn’t aware you babysit

 **S. James:** I don’t

 **T. Stoker:** then why is this a question

 **S. James:** Helen and Micheal are having a custody battle over the hallway and i feel like a babysitter

 **T. Stoker:** sympathies

 **S. James:** yeah

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** what's the tea the twins are fighting~~

 **You:** Helen’s messing with Micheals ability to use the hallways

 **My Timbo:** i thought Michel and Helen were the hallway

 **You:** they are and they aren’t just like they are the same being but are completely separate

 **My Timbo:** i just realised you sent that to the work chat

 **You:** Yeah I meant to

 **You:** almost everyone in Supernatural London knows the twins, I’m trying to see if martin knows

 **My Timbo:** And Jon?

 **You:** what?

 **You:** shit 

**My Timbo:** yeah

 **You:** well its not like it going to matter to Jon

 **You:** I hope it doesn’t matter to Martin

 **My Timbo:** same he seems too sweet to be spooky

 **You:** I think you're pretty sweet

 **My Timbo:** aw babe your making me blush but nope I am very much spooky

 **You:** doesn’t mean you can’t be sweet

 **My Timbo:** think that ship sailed when I put someone in a catonic state

 **You:** you want to talk about it?

 **My Timbo:** no its fine ig. I mean if i didn’t Fairchild never would have gotten me my [hawaiian shirt ](https://www.amazon.com/Wave-Shoppe-Mens-Hawaiian-Shirt/dp/B07C356JR4)

**You:** thats where you got that monstrosity

 **My Timbo:** its like the fairchild tartan

 **My Timbo:** Harriet and Mike have them too

 **My Timbo:** thinking i should get more like it

 **You:** Oh god no

* * *

Elias’ Phone 

**P. Lukas**

**You:** check in on Archivist

Plant evidence in Robinson’s flat

Watch Archivist

Water plants

Check in on Archivist

Clean Barnabas

Plant more eyes in storage closets

Remind Rosie of all the stuff that that pinging app has access to

Watch Archivist

Check in on Archivist

Lunch with Rayner

Watch Archivist

 **P. Lukas:** wtf

 **You:** So you’ve decided to unblock me.

 **P. Lukas:** i don't block people

 **P. Lukas:** I was travelling you know in the Lonely

 **P. Lukas:** it probably did that to my phone

 **You:** Sure; And you definitely weren't being scared of commitment either.

 **P. Lukas:** that maybe a factor but hey

 **P. Lukas:** I love you

 **You:** disgusting get a hobby

 **P. Lukas:** like you have one

 **You:** I do and it's called the Watcher’s Crown

 **P. Lukas:** No it's called being the literal definition of voyeur

 **You:** which is part of the Watcher’s Crown

 **P. Lukas:** no sweatie

 **You:** while I have you unblocked you want to tell me why you had me promote your protege

 **P. Lukas:** he isn't my protege

 **You:** yet

 **P. Lukas:** he hasn't been properly introduced to any patron 

**P. Lukas:** that being said I’ve already started plying him to mine so I suggest you get started 

**You:** and why would I

 **P.Lukas:** its funny and we can make it a bet

 **You:** as in

 **P. Lukas:** lonely or eye

 **P. Lukas:** Me or You

 **You:** I'm game, loser has to pay for the next wedding

 **P. lukas:** we got divorced?

 **You:** i had the paperwork done when you went on your last trip

 **P. Lukas:** you know me so well

 **P. Lukas:** <3

 **You:** get a hobby

* * *

Tim's Phone 

**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Martin:** does Mr. Sims spell his name John or Jon

 **Timbo:** Jon

 **Timbo:** never spell it John he doesn’t like it

 **Sasha:** also never call him "Mr. Sims"

 **Martin:** so why is it “Johnny-bois”

 **Martin:** oh good to know

 **Timbo:** because he’d take the chat name personally then

 **Martin:** I see

 **Martin:** I'm omw rn by the way

 **Timbo:** 👍

  
  


Tim put his phone aside on Sasha’s coffee table and took a sip of his beer. “Martin’s on his way”

Sasha turned to address his voice and then quickly went back to the popcorn on the stove. “Oh good. Tell him we’re watching Barbie Fairytopia” 

“We are not.” 

“We are,” Sasha sang. “Between Yakuza and Jonah. Its the only way I’ll tolerate it”

“Sasha Eliza James-,” He began in an obviously fake stern tone.

“That’s not my middle name, “ She interrupted smiling.

He shushed her and persisted with his hokey tone. “We simply cannot have cinematic masterpieces in the midst of unworthy filth. That’s a film snob nono”

“You know it's a good movie; dont lie”

“Aye I do but I also know our lord and saviour Bibble compels us to not sully his good name even though we must diversify the media we consume.” He looked away in faux forlorn.

Sasha giggled on the verge of outright snorting before she tapered off: “Martin’s coming up the stairs.” 

Tim was about to ask how she knew that before realizing it’d be a stupid question and there was a rap at the door.

* * *

Tim's Phone

_**Notification from Messages:** Jon: 36.0520102.0024 _

**Sasha💖**

**Sasha💖:** I think Martin fell asleep 

**Tim:** I think you're correct

 **Tim:** to be honest I don't know how he fell asleep after back to back horror movies

 **Sasha💖:** mystery

 **Sasha💖:** It's a shame really I was just about put on Fairytopia

 **You:** do you seriously have barbie movies

 **Sasha💖:** do you not?

 **You:** no?

 **Sasha💖:** and here I thought you were a man of culture

 **Sasha💖:** I have all of them pre-2014 of course

 **You:** I’m game for a marathon

 **Sasha💖:** then lets go

* * *

Jon's Phone

2am

 **ClownFuckers**

**FuckLeitner:** hey

 **FuckLeitner:** i ever tell y'all how much i love @m?chael

 **FuckLeitner:** @m?chael visirt me more <3

 **M?chael:** <3

 **Djun:** good Lord he used 'y'all' he's drunk

 **Djun:** ew

_**Djun** has Changed their name to: **SpareTraumaPls** _

**Annabananaspider:** Gerry why are you getting drunk at 9am

 **FuckLeitner:** month drink

 **FuckLeitner:** not*

 **FuckLeitner:** I'm severely sleeppdeprived there is a difference

 **M?chael:** 1 4 1 th1nk 5l33p d3pr1va+10n i5 v3ry s3xy

 **FuckLeitner:** it's not even 9 here it's 8 I'm in texas

 **Annabananaspider:** i thought america was 5 hours behind

 **FuckLeiter:** America's huge it's got like five different time zones. Texas is like 6hrs behind london

 **Annabananaspider:** why are you in texas

 **FuckLeitner:** I'm hanging out with Julia and Trevor

 **SpareTraumaPls:** you mean you got kidnapped?

 **FuckLeitner:** fuck yeah

 **Annabananaspider:** where’s michael

 **M?chael:** 1’m @ a waffl3 h0us3

 **SpareTraumaPls:** go to bed Gerry

 **SpareTraumaPls:** you can go to bed right?

 **FuckLeitner:** yeah i can they're not stopping me

 **FuckLeitner:** this time 

**SpareTraumaPls:** so why aren't you

 **FuckLeitner:** bc i don't wanna

 **SpareTraumaPls:** Micheal tell your your bf to go to sleep

 **M?chael:** bab3

 **FuckLeitner:** no

 **M?chael:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **SpareTraumaPls:** Gerry when's the last time you slept

 **FuckLeitner:** plezding the fifth

 **SparetheTraumaPls:** I'm in London american laws have no say in what I do

 **FuckLeitner:** fuck

 **FuckLeitner:** 4 maybe 6 days ago

 **SparetheTraumaPls:** GO. TO. BED.

 **FuckLeitner:** no

 **SparetheTraumaPls:** i hate that i have to do this

 **SparetheTraumaPls:** @Annabananaspider ? pls

 **Annabananaspider:** already done

_**FuckLeitner** is now offline _

_**SpareTraumaPls** is now offline _

**Annabananaspider:** @gloriousclowncar you want to go mess with drunk people

 **GloriousClownCar:** Of Course!!!

 **M?chael:** h3’5 cu+3 wh3n h3’5 sl33p1ng

 **M?chael:** 1 a55um3 

**M?chael:** 1dk 1m @ waffl3 h0u53 

**Annabananaspider:** datemate of the year


	3. this is the chapter i better be vindicated on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon gets his usual boba and threats.  
> Nikola and Georgie fight as they do  
> Harriet LOVES Tim. Tim doesn't like being the youngest sibling  
> Oliver fails to give himself a new nickname  
> Helen and Michael get into interior design

**Annabelle🕸️🕷️**

**You:** annabelle you know I don't like when you use your powers on me

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** i do? I don't remember that

 **You:** annabelle I'm serious you know I don't like it and my phone's basically dead now

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** pretty rich considering that you're the one who asked me to do the same thing to Gerry

 **You:** that's different

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** how so

 **You:** Gerry needed to go to sleep he hadn't slept in a week

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** as I've been told by my little friends you haven't slept in a week either

 **You:** I’ve had naps

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** that's not what i’ve been told

 **You:** that's not fair

 **You:** Gerry knew it was coming and I Know that you made him charge his phone

 **You:** ...

 **You:** which means you wanted to have this conversation

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** Eye?

 **You:** my own intuition

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** Surprising

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** I don’t I care much for being used for convenience

 **You:** you still wanted to do it

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** just because he got a warning and you didn't doesn't mean what I did wasn't done without his consent

 **You:** since when do Spider monsters care about consent

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** Compulsion is a Web aspect and much as it is Eye, Archivist. I’d be careful what names you throw around

 **Annabelle🕸️🕷️:** take better care of yourself, Jon before I make you.

  
  


**Georgie😻**

**Georgie😻:** I'm going to storm your apartment, answer my calls

 **Georgie😻:** jon

 **Georgie😻:** jon

 **Georgie😻:** i will break in and replace all your milk products with lotion

 **Georgie 😻:** i'm right outside your building

 **Georgie😻:** I'm going to boil your teeth in Marmite and put them back into your mouth

 **You:** do it you won't

 **Georgie😻:** good morning sleeping beauty

 **You:** yeah sorry Annabelle made me get 8hrs of sleep

 **Georgie😻:** oh the horror

 **You:** she didn’t let me plug in my phone

 **Georgie😻:** oof

 **Georgie😻:** now answer your phone

_Incoming call from Georgie **😻**_

**Jon**

the lotion threat is new 

**Georgie**

(chuckles) glad you like it. Threatening isn't it

**Jon**

no. Nikola has already done that I'm afraid. Bit bland horror wise. Now what did you want to talk about

**Georgie**

I’m getting boba. Come with me

**Jon**

and you couldn’t ask via text

**Georgie**

well I’m about to knock on your door. I needed your attention

**Jon**

that's fair I suppose

_Call ends_

  
  
  


**Tim(?)**

**Tim(?):** Yo wtf dude

 **You:** what

 **Tim(?):** idk you're the one who texted me what does '36.0520102.0024' mean

 **You:** i do not remember that i apologise

 **Tim(?):** You’re forgiven 

**Gerry**

**You:** have you ever texted people random and cryptic information for no reason?

 **You:** how do you make them not worry?

 **Gerry:** Its cute that you think I know

 **You:** do you at least Know

 **Gerry:** do you 👀👀?

 **You:** you like giving yourself headaches like that

 **Gerry:** its comforting 

**Gerry:** I gotta go Julia found a Desolation Leitner

* * *

Tim's Phone

**Sasha💖**

**You:** _screenshot-of-timstextstojon.png_

 **You:** 👀👀

 **Sasha💖:** ??

 **Sasha💖:** what

 **You:** !!

 **Sasha💖:** i literally do not understand

 **You:** seems a bit spooky

 **Sasha:** he's had the job for less than a month chill

 **You:** but 👀👀👀

 **Sasha💖:** my poor peacock man

 **You:** :(

 **Sasha💖:** <3

 **Sasha💖:** ok 12+ hours later Martin thoughts?

 **You:** He’s so nice??

 **You:** and his cookies are delicious

 **Sasha💖:** Ik but told him not to bring anything

 **You:** do really think your life would be complete without trying martin’s cookies

 **Sasha💖:** true. anything else?

 **You:** I think I finally understand when you mean you can feel fear 

**You:** Martin was pinging something in my mind

 **Sasha💖:** yeah no i got that too the boy's drenched in it

 **You:** were we doing that

 **Sasha💖:** I actually have no idea I hope not but i think he might be a naturally anxious person and we could have been making it worse

 **You:** oh um 

**Sasha💖:** yeah

 **Sasha💖:** but it still doesn’t answer our question does it 

**Sasha💖:** I think we should have tried to drop more hints

 **You:** but we could feel his fear that means he’s human right?

 **You:** wait can avatars feed off other avatars?

 **Sasha💖:** what made you think they can’t

 **You:** Just thought that being made of fear kinda made you numb

 **Sasha💖:** no no lol I can feel your fear every time you open spotify 

**You:** I have no shame

 **Sasha💖:** the Eye says otherwise

 **You:** please don't tell anybody about my Evanescence playlist

 **Sasha💖:** I only Knew about the Taylor Swift one please tell me more about your love of goth rock

 **Tim:** :(

 **Sasha💖:** >:)

**Grandaddy and Co**

**ImagineHowItIsTouchTheSky:** @EldestSpawn needs to give me back my Leitner

 **EldestSpawn:** stfu

 **EldestSpawn:** you gave it to me

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** i lent it to you give it back

 **EldestSpawn:** No💙

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** i bought it

 **EldestSpawn:** with Simon's money

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** i still procured it 

**EldestSpawn:** 'procured' tell your Eye friend that I only negotiate with avatars who can form their own ✨arguments✨

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** this is my own argument

 **EldestSpawn:** bet

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** Harriet please

 **VastlyConfused:** Harriet please give him his book back

 **EldestSpawn:** Tim 🤩 how are you

 **VastlyConfused:** tired

 **VastlyConfused:** give Mike his book

 **EldestSpawn:** of course 

**EldestSpawn:** there. Its in the vast, as inconsequential as is was and will always be

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** fuck you

 **EldestSpawn:** Fuck you too

 **EldestSpawn:** Tim what have you been doing

 **VastlyConfused:** your mom

 **EldestSpawn:** HA how's your job going

 **VastlyConfused:** going good ig

 **VastlyConfused:** is there a reason you care

 **EldestSpawn:** Yes! because I care about my little brothers

 **VastlyConfused:** you don't care about Mike

 **EldestSpawn:** not true i love Mike

 **EldestSpawn:** he doesn't love me

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** liar

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** wait no that's true

 **EldestSpawn:** I know that its pretty hard being a new Avatar. Have you been able to take care of yourself alright?

 **VastlyConfused:** yeah I'm good

 **EldestSpawn:** well if you ever need anything give a holler

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** ^^^

 **VastlyConfused:** oh ok

 **VastlyConfused:** I do have a question

 **EldestSpawn:** go ahead

 **VastlyConfused:** i have a friend that said that avatar’s work with specific parts of fear rather than the Fears. She’s worked with the spiral and the eye so how does that work how would i

 **ImagineHowIsTouchTheSky:** idk i stick to smirkes 14

 **EldestSpawn:** same

 **VastlyConfused:** oh

 **EldestSpawn:** I mean it makes sense I dont quite get it but the Spiral and the Eye are like “cousins” according to Simon so maybe thats how?

 **VastlyConfused:** gotcce ig  
  


**Notification:** _Grandaddy🌠has venmoed you £500_

  
  


**Grandaddy 🌠**

**You:** why?

Seen **✓**

* * *

Jon’s Phone

**ClownFuckers**

**Yike:** Harriet threw one of my Leitner’s into the Vast

 **SpareTraumaPls:** as she should

 **Yike:** : (

 **Yike:** did i tell you guys that Simon got us family shirts

 **M?chael:** n0

 **H£ቺ£n:** not in my memory

 **Yike:** yeah he wants us to wear them we go to La Rinconada next month

 **Yike:** they’re soo ugly

 **Yike:** _picture-of-uglyhawaiianshirt.jpeg_

 **H£ቺ£n:** well thats just not true

 **M?chael:** i like it

 **H£ቺ£n:** I want a room with this as a wallpaper, maybe with a neon orange accent

 **M?chael:** I agree

 **H£ቺ£n:** %))

 **M?chael:** %))

 **SpareTraumaPls:** oh dear

_**OopsYouDied** Changed Their Name To: **RIPBanksy**_

**Yike:** did Banksy die

 **RIPBanksy:** nope

 **SpareTraumaPls:** is Banksy going to die

 **RIPBanksy:** [( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWz-PY8qXZw)

**SpareTraumaPls:** dont kill Banksy, Oliver

 **RIPBanksy:** I won’t 

**RIPBanksy:** I’ll have Melanie do it

 **Yike:** haha

 **Yike:** @BuildAGhost pop up

 **BuildAGhost:** You rang?

 **Yike:** Oliver wants to kill Banksy you game?

 **BuildAGhost:** no thanks I’m with my girlfriend rn

 **SparetraumaPls:** no you're not. Georgie and I are at a boba shoppe

 **BuildAGhost:** look behind you

 **SpareTraumaPls:** hello melanie

 _ **BuildAGhost:**_ hi :]

 **BuildAGhost:** I just realised Georgie isnt on this chat

_**BuildAGhost** has added: **Georgie B.** to the Chat_

**BuildAGhost:** Everyone this is my girlfriend Georgie 

**BuildAGhost:** she’s End

 **Georgie B.:** hello what is up...Clownfuckers??? Mel what is this

 **SpareTraumaPls:** don’t ask it was Nikola’s Idea

_**Georgie B.** has changed their name to: **Melanie’s**_

_**BuildAGhost** has changed their Name to: **Georgie’s**_

_**Melanie’s** has named the Chat: **NormalGCName**_

_**GloriousClownCar** is Online_

_**GloriousClownCar** has named the Chat: **NO!**_

_**Melanie’s** has named the Chat: **Yes**_

_**GloriousClownCar** has named the Chat: **MyChatMyRules**_

_**Melanie's** has named the Chat: **thisisCommunism**_

_**GloriousClownCar** has named the Chat: **Jonny agrees w me**_

**SpareTraumaPls** : do not drag me into this under false pretenses

_**Melanie's** has named the Chat: **Compromise?**_

_**GloriousClownCar** has named the Chat: **You Have One Chance**_

_**Melanie’s** has named the Chat: **Fuck Clowns**_

**GloriousClownCar:** Double Meanings! I Like It!!

_**GloriousClownCar** revoked the Admin Rights of **Melanie's** , **Georgie's** , and many others_

**Melanie’s:** What have I done

 **GloriousClownCar:** God’s Work!!!!!! !!!

Jon and Georgie stood there in silence. Their stares miles away as their teas inched closer and closer to the temperature of the room. Georgie's weapon of destruction, the turning point in her war against the over moisturized clown queen, failed them all.

"she-," one of them began.

"won," the other finished. 

"You 'right?" Melanie asked oblivious to most of the previous battle as she had just come back from ordering her Ube Cream latte with red bean. Jon did not have the mental capacity to give her grief over how he Knew she picked it for the color over taste.

"check your phone," a voice, Jon's, whispered. And she did. Quickly and with an immediate urgency that melts into relaxed giggles when the reality of the situation presents itself.

Melanie began sobbing with laughter. "I thought someone died." 

“My pride did,” Georgie asserted. She glared at her thai tea latte with extra boba. Melanie quietly reserved the thought that her girlfriend looked very adorable when nettled and pecked her on the cheek.

\---

**Satan**

**Satan:** can I move her?

 **Satan:** she seems pretty upset

 **You:** what?

 **You:** oh yeah its fine

 **You:** this is our way of humor

 **You:** actually she might be a little mad at Nik but they’ll make up in a bit

 **Satan:** let's get back I made brownies

 **You:** am I allowed some?

 **Satan:** mayhaps

* * *

Sasha’s Phone

**🚪The Twins & sIs🌀**

**Mekal:** $a5ha u n33d t0 h31p us

 **Helhnen:** i think that. We should make the new room a basic nursery and have its 4th dimension neon orange, kale juice and have its wallpaper look like this (link)

 **Helhnen:** it will of course will cause unexplainable pain but it will be the odd breathing point that makes the terror even worse %)

 **Mekal:** 1 th1nk we sh0uld make it a l1m1nal hotel b3droom from the outs1de and onc3 your inside its a black l1ght hellscapE and the wallpaper, pi!!ows, and comforters look like this (link) 

**Mekal:** with glow in the dark gr@ffiti that changes in the corner of your e4e. We already have break rooms

 **Suhtiaw:** Is that the fairchild tartan?

 **Helhnen:** maybe

 **Suhtiaw:** don't think I have the expertise for this

 **Mekal:** @nd w3 d0?

 **Suhtiaw:** You're the hallway?

 **Mekal:** & not

 **Helhnen:** i’d say we aren't the hallway and that we have the expertise becasue of it

 **Suhtiaw:** *because

 **Helhnen:** %)

 **Suhtiaw:** but why do you care for my opinion

 **Mekal:** bc youre our sIster

 **Suhtiaw:** is that i a capital because i’m Eye

 **Helhnen:** %) 

**Helhnen:** but you can use the hallways anytime you want

 **Mekal:** free of terror

 **Helhnen:** yes of course

 **Suhtiaw:** I think that if your’e going to use the Fairchilds’ family shirt then you have to at least make it an homage to them

 **Helhnen:** hmm

 **Mekal:** mmm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i should explain the others avatarship. 
> 
> Sasha is Eye and Spiral. Oftentimes she feeds off obsesssion, "terrible knowledge", and facing your own paranoia (similar to the Dr. David statement but not about causing your own problems) which would be where the two intersect if we follow Smirke's 14. However shes predominatly Eye and only Michael and Helen really know how well she can use Spiral. 
> 
> Tim is Vast and feeds very similarly to the way Vast!Jon does in "See the Line Where the Sky Meets the Sea" by The_Floating_ World (https://archiveofourown.org/works/24849694/chapters/60114118) in which is incimprehesible knowledge or the uselessness of your own existence by calculating infinity. Hes still very new to being an avatar so he doesn't exactly know this or have found his domain he also feeds off the feeling of floating more than the rest of the fairchilds feed off falling.
> 
> Jon is well Jon. I havent thought too far into his abilities/domain but he very much web and eye


	4. Its my fic and I get to pick the nonhuman behaviours (also Jared is a king)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M?chael: he’s such a King  
> GloriousClownCar: He Really Is  
> Georgie's : I'm still processing that I've eaten human remains  
> Annabananaspider: we all have at some point  
> SpareTraumaPls: i ate a notebook once

Jon’s Phone

**Fuck Clowns**

**SpareTraumaPls:** I think he’s doing this shit on purpose now

**SpareTrumaPls:** _ emailfromE.Bouchard.png _

**GloriousClownCar:** Ha He got your name wrong again 

**Georgie’s:** “I am exceedingly impressed with your success with working with the more difficult statements. You’ve set the bar very high for your future self. One I am most willing to see.”

**Georgie’s:** who is this mans? He feels like a rice cracker. Bland as hell but in a flakey and surprising way

**SpareTrumaPls:** yeah it be like that

**Melanie’s:** does he know you’re an avatar?

**Melanie’s:** i'm getting oblivious vibes

**SpareTraumaPls:** of fucking course not

**M?chael:** it’s B0uch@rd h3’5 h0p3less

**M?chael:** h0w l0ng d0 u think itll take him t0 get his head 0ut 0f his ass

**SpareTraumaPls:** i dont even what to know if I should entertain that idea

**Georgie’s:** too hopeful?

**SpareTraumaPls:** too exhausting

**M?chael:** 1 th1nk you should do th3 abs0lu+e bare m1n1mum, & ju5+ wa+ch him b3 0b!v1ou$

**SpareTraumaPls:** that sounds like hell thank you

**M?chael:** you’re welcome

* * *

Michael’s Phone

**Avatars of London**

**M?chael:** if Edward didn’t have a pulse how did he get ramrod for Bella

**Hell:** maybe that’s why vampires are usually so skinny any extra blood is stored for boners

**Annabelle:** so at any given time eddie boi had a boner

**Hell:** yes I’d like to think thats correct

**Eyelias:** shut up

**Eyelias:** shut up

**Eyelias:** shut up I’m begging you please

**M?chael:** no

**Hell:** no

**Annabelle:** No

**oLIVEr:** no

**Hopworth:** no

**QueenNiki:** no

**Plukas:** no

**Simon:** No 💙

**Squish:** no 🪱

**ImHot:** fuck you

_**Eyelias** is now offline _

_**Plukas** has removed **Eyelias** from the Chat _

_**M?chael** is now Admin _

**ImHot:** thank you pukas but we all know you’ll just add him back when you get horny enough

**Plukas:** congrats ms. perry you are both rude and correct

**ImHot:** whatever

  
  


**Mitciv no 00235647992**

**You:** hello?

**You:** hello? Is anyone there?

**You:** please i dont know whats going on but it hurts 

**You:** oh god why does it hurt

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** what do you need me to do? Where are you?

**You:** idk where i am it just hurts please

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** have you tried to call the police

**You:** police? I dont have a phone I cant see it hurts to think

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** what

**You:** its cutting me

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** whats cutting you?

**You:** the letters

**You:** the numbers

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** i dont understand

**You:** i̴ ̵d̸o̸n̷t̸ ̷u̶n̵d̸e̶r̵s̶t̷a̸n̸d̴

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** how do you not have a phone

  
  


**You:** ḩ̴̳͉͉̭̙̲̞̭̭̜̳̈́̓o̴͔̺̠̙̦̜̞̥͙͎͎͍͕̣̰̖̽͜w̷̘͙̥̠̜̭̹̝̳̠̹̅̔̄̌̏̇̂̆̍̃̄̇͋̒͂͝ ̷̛͙̯̖̰̥͉̖̲̣̳̼̦̫̐̂̆̓͜ͅd̸̨͉̮̥̪͍̮́̋̃̉͊̔̄͝͠ö̶̘̼̘̰͔̻̗̝́͆̊͑̽ ̷̧͔̘̭̭͎̭͈͚̭̻̳͍̪͆̿̐̅̽̾̚ͅy̴̜̭͕̜̹̆̀͊̒̒͊̕̕͝o̶͖̜̳̒̔̇̍͝ŭ̶̢̪̳̮̱͚̲̱̜̪̯̘͔̱̘̝̊̑̔̇̌̐̃̚͘͘͠͝ ̸̖̮͗̂͒̅̈́̚ň̵̨̢̘͉̒͠ơ̶̢̼̲̲̖̪͕͋̔͗́̈́͂̊͑͂̚͝ͅt̶̫̘̺̝̯̣̟͚̪̂̉̄̈́͛̿̎͛̚̚͝ ̵̈̾͝͠h̶̼͚̝́̀̅̋̆̅͐̑̒̀̈́̕͝͠a̶͖̐̅̉̕v̷̡̘͍̭̫̩̆̌̃̏ͅë̴̩͙͎́̃̓͠͠ ̶̛̹̬̝͔̆̽̔̾̊̂̒̽͂̎̕͠͝a̵̧̢͙̞̼̱͈̹̳̻͇̋̀̊͐̆̆̾͒̐͠ ̴̢̢͕̺̝̖̗͚̝̳͂͐̐͊p̸̙̜͊́͑̓͂̏̂͊̃̓̃̕h̴̤͈̩̙̻̠̞̳̺͑͆̀̉͑̚͜͝ó̸̡̧̙̻̳̼̮̳̼̋͑̂͋͌̓̓͛̆̔̉̿͛͗̆͐͠ͅǹ̴͔̹̭̮̬̿̑̔̎̾̚̕͠ë̷̡̬

_ You deleted 17 messages _

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** are you okay

**Mitciv no 00235647992:** hello?

_ You blocked Mitciv no 00235647992  _

**To Do List App**

  * Unblock Mitciv no 00235647992 @ 6:28 next week
  * Call Mitciv no 00235647992 @ 3:47 pm in a month
  * Visit Mitciv no 00235647992 3:47 am the next day
  * Visit new Cafe on Wells St w helen
  * Look up cafe on wells street



* * *

Tim's Phone

**Notification:** _Grandaddy🌠has venmoed you £800_

**Grandaddy🌠**

**You:** why?

_**Grandaddy🌠** has venmoed you £50 _

**You:** an explanation would be nice

**Grandaddy🌠:** you’ll know soon enough

  
  


**Sasha💖**

**You:** _ screenshot-of-grandaddychat.png _

**You:** Can’t i have just one straight answer

**Sasha💖:** Pretty hard to do considering none of us are straight

**You:** -_-

**Sasha💖:** 😘 

**Sasha💖:** What’d you do

**You:** not a clue thats what makes me worried

**Sasha💖:** Maybe you did nothing and its just Skydaddy being skydaddy 

**You:** please never refer to him like that i think thats what he calls the Vast

**Sasha💖:** N0 **💖**

**Sasha💖:** oh wait no no gross

**You:** yeah

**Sasha💖:** Does he really

**You:** idk but it wouldn’t surprise me if he did

**Sasha💖:** i am both disgusted and satisfied with this knowledge

**You:** [Bleachyoureyes.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ed0_FqvWkAITfgH.jpg)

**What would you do if there was a FairChild right in front of you**

**Stacker:** _ screenshot-of-grandaddychat.png _

**Stacker:** what did I do

**Mank:** how should we know

**Hole:** I know

**Hole:** you’ll find out

**Stacker:** thanks /s

**Mank:** do any of you know how where i can buy blue hairdye for dogs

**Hole:** no but I know where you can spend eternity fucking off

**Mank:** cool I’ll see you there then

**Stacker:** why do you want dog hair dye

**Mank:** well the last person I threw in the vast had a dog so

**Hole:** dont throw the dog in the Vast, Mike

**Mank:** why shouldnt I 

**Hole:** theyre nervous peers

**Mank:** ok but It’d be funny

**Hole:** itd be a waste of energy

**Mank:** everythings a waste of energy if everything is insignificant 

**Hole:** yeah and dogs cant understand that 

**Mank:** they’re stiil scared of falling

**Stacker:** I’m confused as what this has to do with hair dye

**Mank:** its pretty self explanatory

**Stacker:** no? Its not?

**Mack:** i’m going to dye the dog blue then throw into the Vast next its owner then throw it into its own Vast

**Hole:** wasteful~~

**Mack:** stfu

  
  


**🤡Danny💝**

**You:** i blame you

**🤡Danny💝:** wut

**You:** you heard me

**You:** you gave me high expectations for siblings

**You:** _ screenshot-of-fairkidsGC.png _

**🤡Danny💝:** so what I’m hearing is I’m perfect

**You:** No what your hearing is I’m tired

**🤡Danny💝:** oop

**🤡Danny💝:** do you really think of them as your siblings

**You:** Idk did you really get adopted by a circus

**🤡Danny💝:** idk still figuring that out

**🤡Danny💝:** self identity gets warped once you spend enough time living off how people view you

**You:** i’d guess so

**🤡Danny💝:** are they my family? am I using them? Are they using me? Do I care? Idk all I know is my skin has never been better

**You:** idk seems a bit dry to me

**🤡Danny💝:** fuck off i havent seen you in ages

**🤡Danny💝:** i miss you

**You:** well its not like you let me meet up w you

**🤡Danny💝:** well i’m the youngest and they keep me the busiest

**You:** booooo! No excuse

**🤡Danny💝:** Want to meet up tonight? There’s an ethiopian place on Roman Way I wanted to try

**You:** sure

**🤡Danny💝:** Ü

**You:** :)

* * *

Sasha’s Phone 

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** youtu.be/DarkAcademia-songs-that-make-u-feel-like-a-badass

**You:** I want mac and cheese

**My Timbo:** Same

**You:** get your own ideas

**My Timbo:** No thoughts

**My Timbo:** head empty

**You:** yeah we know

**My Timbo:** ok but mac and cheese is mine

**You:** Fine

**My Timbo:** Maybe you could get alfredo gnocchi

**You:** A fucking what

**My Timbo:** alfredo gnocchi

**My Timbo:** do you not know what gnocchi is

**You:** no 

**My Timbo:** well you better be hungary bc im door dashing gnocci into your mouth

**You** : like you have money

**My Timbo:** in fact i do and even if I didn’t Id make the potato flour myself if I had to

**You:** damn you really want me to have gnocchi

**My Timbo:** i do pride myself with facilitating communication between my partners

**You:** Nerd

**My Timbo:** but I'm your nerd

  
  


**🚪The Twins & sIs🌀 (Mekal is online)**

**Mekal:** i got a betetr ieda for the room

**Suhtiaw:** I'm lìstenìng 

**Mekal:** the room is epmty execpt for the sriht on an ever-changing mannequin wilhe the cieling and the folor are the sriht mvonig in opopstie direction

**Suhtiaw:** hmm Ì really thìnk that thìs ìs a Helen decìsìon

**Mekal:** %(

**Martin**

**Sasha:** hiii

**Sasha:** I wanted to know how it's going 

**Martin:** hi

**Martin:** it's going good

**Sasha:** That's good

**Martin:** do you like trivia?

**Sasha:** I LOVE trivia

**Martin:** oh

**Martin:** so like theres a pub near my place that's doing big tournament in a few weeks

**Sasha:** Tim and I would love to go with you yes of course

**Martin:** yeah um

**Sasha:** that's what you were asking right?

**Martin:** yes it was 

**Martin:** don't be worried i just didn't realize you'd say yes

**Martin:** :))

**Sasha:** :) 

**Martin:** I'll send the details

**Sasha:** send them to the gc

**Martin:** ok 

* * *

Jon's Phone

**Fuck Clowns (3+ are online)**

**GloriousClownCar:** Jon Told Me I'm Not Allowed to Worship Juicy Fuck

**SpareTraumaPls:** I didn't say that

**Yike:** it's because he doesn't have any taste

**SpareTraumaPls:** Hey

**Georgie's:** i think it might be the asexuality actually

**SpareTraumaPls:** I didn't tell her she couldn't worship Juicy Fuck

**SpareTramaPls:** I told her that she couldn't worship Juicy Fuck just because he made circus music

**SpareTraumaPls:** it's not even his name, his name is Julius Fučìk

**Malanie's:** *Fučík

**SpareTraumaPls:** thank you 

**H£ቺ£n:** but you still said she couldn’t worship him

**SpareTraumaPls:** No i didn't. Its a pretty clear conditional statement

**H£ቺ£n:** is it?

**H£ቺ£n:** _ screenshot-of-”SpareTraumaPls:I told her she couldn’t worship JuicyFuck”.png _

**SpareTraumaPls:** how do show how heavily I’m sighing right now

**H£ቺ£n:** idk but what I have here is straight from the eyeball’s mouth

**M?cheal:** 1 d0nt th1nk еΎe♭α11$ h@v3 m0uths

**JH:** They can, but they take forever to make.

**Yike:** Jared!! :)

**GloriousClownCar:** Jared!! How Are You?!

**JH:** Hi, Mike. Hi, Nikola.

**GloriousClownCar:** :oD We’ve Missed You! How Have You Been!

_**JH** is offline _

**Yike:** and he’s offline again

**GloriousClownCar:** :o◖ I Miss Him

**Yike:** i think we all miss him

**Georgie's:** he makes a mean soup

**SpareTraumaPls:** that's because he uses human bone marrow

**GloriousClownCar:** Yes AND It's Delicious

**Georgie's:** blink

**Georgie's:** idk how I'm supposed to feel about that

**GloriousClownCar:** Don't

**H£ቺ£n:** Nikola hëre is big proponent of no thoughts head empty

**GloriousClownCar:** :o)) I Am

**H£ቺ£n:** Jon is too but only because at some point they run out things to repress and has to move on to thoughts

**SpareTraumaPls** : …

**Georgie's:** Ha

**GloriousClownCar:** Jared Makes Really Good Nonvegan Hummus Too

**Melanie's:** what are we talking about

**Georgie's:** Jared Hopworth he's a Flesh avatar

**SpareTraumaPls:** works mostly with dysmorphia and dysphoria

**Yike:** amazing cook

**M?chael:** he’s such a King

**GloriousClownCar:** He Really Is

**Georgie's:** I'm still processing that I've eaten human remains

**Annabananaspider:** we all have at some point

**SpareTraumaPls:** i ate a notebook once

**Melanie's:** yeah at your most human

**GloriousClownCar:** Bold Of To Assume He Kills His Prey

**SpareTraumaPls:** *you're

**Melanie's:** thank you

**Melanie's:** does he by chance make goulash

**Georgie's:** why

**GloriousClownCar:** YES And It's Very Good!!

**Melanie's:** I'm trying that goulash

**Georgie's:** babe no

**GloriousClownCar:** I'll Get You His Number

**Georgie's:** wait @SpareTraumaPls you ate what

**SpareTraumaPls:** a notebook

**Georgie's:** why

**Melanie's:** will you also bring back admin rights?

**SpareTraumaPls:** enrichment

**GloriousClownCar:** No!

**Melanie's:** worth a try

**_GloriousClownCar_ ** _ changed  _ **_Melanie's_ ** _ 's name to  _ **_Sore loser_ **

**_Sore Loser_ ** _ changed their name to  _ **_Melanie's_ **

**Annabananaspider:** i didn't know you could eat like a human @ GloriousClownCar

**GloriousClownCar:** Jared Helped With That! Because He's A King

**Yike:** King

**M?chael:** 👑

* * *

Georgie's phone

**Unknown Number**

**Unknown:** tell Jon that he's got to talk to me

Seen  **✓**

* * *

Jon's phone

**Email**

From  [ R.Zampano@MagnusInstitue.org ](mailto:R.Zampano@MagnusInstitue.org)

To:  [ J.Sims@MagnusInstitute.org ](mailto:J.Sims@MagnusInstitute.org)

Subject: Live Statement Reminder

Elias wants to know if you’re prepared for the live statement scheduled tomorrow

Sent from my iPhone

  
\----- 

From:  J.Sims@MagnusInstitute.org

To:  R.Zampano@MagnusInstitute.org

Subject: RE: Live Statement Reminder

Hello Rosie,

Thank you for the reminder. I am all set for tomorrow. Thank You.

Thank You,

Jonathan Sims

Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rosie: Fuck emails me and all my homies hate email  
> Jon: * is a big ball of anxiety*  
> Rosie: hoity toity betch
> 
> Rosie is a great assistant but it gets to a point where it's just not worth the email etiquette. 
> 
> fairkids chat names are all kayak terms i found on  
> https://www.outsidebozeman.com/activities/boating/kayak/lost-translation
> 
> ___  
> My 196 reaction was: I was not vindicated (yet), Jonny is an amazing writer, and fuck I'm writing Annabelle too cold.


	5. you say shit on sleep deprivation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for a really creepy puppet if you click the link "nopity nopity that int doppity IG reel" the rest of this pretty smooth sailing tho

Jon’s phone

**Georgie😻**

**You:** Are you busy tomorrow circa 5:00pm

 **Georgie😻:** let me check, why?

 **You:** I’ve got a live statement tomorrow i might need someone to see me home 

**Georgie😻:** yeah I’ll do it ive got nothing

 **You:** Thank you

 **Georgie😻** : no offense but I thought you stopped getting statement fatigue 

**Georgie😻:** relatively i mean

 **You:** i did but the institute is still a temple to the Eye. It magnifies everything. The first time i read a statement there

 **You:** not fun

Georgie😻: oof and its still like that?

 **You:** no no but i’ve never done a live at the institute

 **Georgie😻:** you think it's going to be bad

 **You:** idk maybe

 **Georgie😻:** well I’ll be on stand by

 **You:** Thank you

 **Georgie😻:** hey do recognize this number

 **Georgie😻:** _screenshot-of-unknown-number.png_

**You:** it's Annabelle don't respond

 **Georgie😻:** 👍

**Mike**

**You:** Do not you dare

 **Mike:** What

 **You:** it's not worth it

 **You:** The dye i mean

 **Mike:** : |

 **You:** Just throw the dog into the Vast and get it over with

 **Mike:** But a blue dog in the sky blue 

**You:** No

 **Mike:** Your no fun

 **You:** Thank you

 **Mike:** I'm going to buy the dye anyway

 **You:** it's not worth it

 **Mike:** Can't hear you

* * *

Gerry's Phone

**Julia**

**Julia:** get in loser or we're leaving you

 **You:** eh

 **Julia:** this is the only truck stop for miles

 **You:** eh

 **Julia:** Gerry

 **You:** Think I'm good

 **Julia:** ugh

 **Julia:** Please

 **You:** No I'm good

 **You:** Got a phone and the Usher foundation credit card

 **Julia:** You had money?

 **You:** uh huh

 **Julia:** That would have been nice to know

 **You:** meh

 **Julia:** We need an Eye 

**You:** Ja und?

 **Julia:** Viel Spaß beim Sterben, denke ich

 **You:** you google translated that

 **Julia:** whatever 

**You:** byeee

**Süsse(r)**

**You:** 🎶I'm at payphone trying to call home🎶

 **Süsse(r):** 🎶ª11 0f mÿ ©hang€ 1 s¶eñt on û🎶

 **You:** i need a ride to D.C.

 **Süsse(r):** øf çœrsė 

**Süsse(r):** būt Wæfflę Hãûsè first

 **You:** fucking duh

* * *

Sasha’s phone

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** did you know ethiopian food slaps

 **You:** yes yes i did 

**My Timbo:** i had wot last night still thinking about it 

**You:** it will do that you 

**My Timbo:** what if I'm addicted

 **You:** would you care

 **My Timbo:** as a matter of fact no no i would not

 **You:** the important thing is that your addiction isn't getting in the way of spending time with Danny

 **My Timbo:** who told you I went with Danny

 **My Timbo:** wait nevermind

 **You:** I'm so sorry I didn't mean

 **My Timbo:** no i know no harm no foul but I'd appreciate it if you tried not to

 **You:** will do already happening I'm so sorry

 **My Timbo:** it's all good

 **You:** [ _ javameme _ ](https://64.media.tumblr.com/3f79be98f24d9d1d0c74ba44757c5802/22336d760395ef29-28/s640x960/7c23e8f345b4cd5535680f673172bea1948cf751.jpg) [ _ .jpeg  _ ](https://64.media.tumblr.com/3f79be98f24d9d1d0c74ba44757c5802/22336d760395ef29-28/s640x960/7c23e8f345b4cd5535680f673172bea1948cf751.jpg)

**My Timbo:** i don't understand but i appreciate nonetheless

 **You:** :))

 **You:** i can't decide if I'm still jealous of Jon

 **My Timbo:** don't know if it's jealousy when you're rightfully supposed to get something

 **You:** you're right but i don't know

 **My Timbo:** you have the experince required, you had Gertrude's blessing, and even though Elias wouldn't know you already have a connection to the Eye

 **My Timbo:** you are beyond qualified and you should have gotten the job

 **You:** oh i know that 

**You:** it's just that I don't know if I even want the job now

 **My Timbo:** why wouldn't you

 **You:** have you read a statement yet like a real statement

 **My Timbo:** no just Jon's spark notes

 **You:** those things are pure Eye i read one the other day and i felt like i was being put through a dryer

 **You:** I've never felt anything like it

 **My Timbo:** yikes

 **You:** at the rate he's going through statements I'm surprised he hasn't died of exhaustion

 **My Timbo:** so it's likely we could introduce him to spooky soon

 **You:** I'm not taking bets with you

 **My Timbo:** why not

 **You:** just no

* * *

Tim's Phone (2:37pm)

**New Skin Who This**

**GloriousClownCar:** @thebetterstoker We Should Learn This Dance

**GloriousClownCar:**[nopity nopity that aint dopity IG reel](https://www.instagram.com/reel/CLHVX5-A0os/?igshid=vt3)

 **TheBetterStoker:** :•) yes but to WAP

 **GloriousClownCar:** Music Box WAP? :o)

 **TheBetterStoker:** maybe 

**Timbo:** don't either of you have jobs

 **GloriousClownCar:** why would we?

 **Timbo:** idk actually what do living mannequins need from society

 **GloriousClownCar:** Victim's!

 **TheBetterStoker:** I'm not a mannequin

 **GloriousClownCar:** Yet!

 **TheBetterStoker:** Why do you have a job?

 **Timbo:** so i don't have the time to plan stupid ideas like you

 **GloriousClownCar:** Someone's Grumpy

 **TheBetterStoker:** did someone pee in your Hydrox

 **Timbo:** wtf is that

 **TheBetterStoker:** original Oreo's 

**TheBetterStoker:** Oreo's are the imposter, but you wouldn't know that would you

 **Timbo:** i think I'm just too tired to live rn

 **TheBetterStoker:** sounds fun

**Sasha💖**

**Sasha💖:** Still on the train?

 **You:** yeah

 **Sasha💖:** If you wanted to build a room in the Distortion what would you put in it

 **You:** ?

 **Sasha💖:** The twins got their hands on the Fairchild print they want to make a room put of it

 **You:** Idk mirror walls i'll get back to you 

**Sasha💖:** ok

 **Sasha💖** : _MemeThatsObviouslyASpiralAspect.vbs_

 **You:** goddamn that hurts my eyes

 **Sasha💖** : kinda forgot I had that oops

\---

**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Sasha:** I'm gay

 **Martin:** good for you?

 **Timbo:** that's not what you said last night

 **Sasha:** 👁️👄👁️ exposing moi for being a wlm r00de

 **Sasha:** just saw the statement giver and hnng she's Soo prettty

 **Martin:** I think her name is Naomi

 **Sasha:** well Naomi is owns my heart and is allowed to step on me

 **Timbo:** :( why did i have to be on field work today

 **Sasha:** trying to compete against me :)

 **Timbo:** why would I do that

 **Sasha:** ik, but we both know the better chance

 **Timbo:** is it because you're hot?

 **Sasha:** ;)

 **Timbo:** idk Sasha you'll still have compete with Martin

 **Martin:** no thank you, I think that might be against an HR policy 

**Sasha:** %/ it is 

**Timbo:** *whispers* be gay do crimes

 **Sasha:** >%)

  
  


* * *

Jon's phone (3:27)

**Georgie 😻**

**You:** Georcie 

**Georgie😻:** yes sweetie

 **You:** Gggeorhie

Georgie😻: you good?

 **You:** g

 **Georgie😻:** I'm taking it to need me

 **You:** call Georgie

 **Georgie😻:** that's a yes

_Incoming call from Georgie_

**Georgie**

(gently) how you feeling

**Jon**

mmmm? (he is very out of it)

**Georgie**

I'll be there in a bit

**Jon**

(distant noise)

**Georgie**

Jon?

**Jon**

huh

**Georgie**

I'm coming to get you do you need me to come inside or can you meet me outside

**Jon**

I can walk

**Georgie**

are you sure

**Jon**

mmhmm 

(beat then very small) my lungs feel like they're being pulled through a vent

**Georgie**

I'm coming soon and I'm going to walk you out OK?

**Jon**

yes love you

**Georgie**

love you too. Goodbye

**Jon**

(directed away from the phone which is clearly no longer near Jon. Jon sounds very tired) hi Sasha

_End Call_

  
  


**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Sasha:** important question : if you were a worm would Jon still love you

 **Timbo:** I'd still love me and thats all that matters

 **Sasha:** not an answer but noice

 **Martin:** I'm sorry what is this

 **Sasha:** answer the very important question

 **Timbo:** very important

 **Martin:** why is this a question

 **Sasha:** reasons

 **Timbo:** what reasons Sasha

 **Sasha:** reasons

 **Martin:** idk i don't think Jon even remembers our name sometimes

 **Timbo:** he does

 **Sasha:** it has something to do with the reasons

 **Martin:** ?

 **Sasha:** answer the question

 **Timbo:** just answer the question dude

 **Martin:** you answer first

 **Timbo:** already did

 **Sasha:** was it tho

 **Timbo:** fine yes i guess

 **Sasha:** yes because nobody has any choice but to love me

 **Sasha:** your turn Martin

 **Martin:** it depends 

**Sasha:** on what

 **Martin:** can I still make tea

 **Sasha:** idk you're a worm

 **Timbo:** yes

 **Martin:** then yeah he'd respect me

 **Sasha:** the word was love

 **Martin:** well that's a pretty strong word

**_Notification_ ** _from Messages: My Timbo_

**Sasha:** is it tho i mean when you think about it aren't there different types of love

 **Sasha:** i mean i can say i love you Martin and it'd be true

**_Martin_ ** _is offline_

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** um can i have an explanation

 **Sasha:** Jon's like half passed out rn sent him a coroner report he asked for and he told me he 'loved' men and all his assistants

 **Sasha:** *me

 **Sasha:** idk his sexuality

 **My Timbo:** ah

 **My Timbo:** i meant about pushing martin

 **Sasha:** Was I pushing?

 **My Timbo:** you scared him off i think

 **Sasha:** oh well i didn't mean to 

**Sasha:** I'm going to apologise

 **My Timbo:** yeah that'd be for the best

  
  


**Martin**

**You:** hey, i want to say sorry about making you uncomfortable in the gc

 **You:** you're my friend ya know and 

**You:** I'm bad at apologies but I'd like to know how to fix it

 **Martin:** it's ok

 **You:** are you sure? You don't have to forgive me because you think it'll make me happy. Ik some people do that and ik i do that sometįmes. You rælly don't have tò

 **You:** how can I do bettt̴̬̑e̵͓̍r̶̻̔

 **Martin:** well i appreciate that you 'love' me I'm glad we're friends it just overwhelmed me a bit

 **Martin:** idk what you could do for that

 **You:** o̵̓̏͛h̶͗̇ok

**🚪The Twins & sIs🌀**

Suhtiaw : i fucked up

  
  


**My Timbo**

**Sasha💖:** another pretty lady spotted!!!

 **Sasha💖:** oh she's here to pick up Jon :/

 **My Timbo:** :(

 **Sasha💖:** sorry baby

 **My Timbo:** i mean it doesn't mean anything really but

 **Sasha💖:** We should ask him about her!

 **My Timbo:** no i think we shouldn't pry he's pretty private

 **Sasha💖:** ok not right now (he's a bit near passed out right now)

 **My Timbo:** what

 **Sasha💖:** i mean he's not asleep but that statement did a number on him i think you’re right best if we let rest

* * *

Peter's Phone

**Martin**

**You:** good afternoon

 **Martin:** hey

 **You:** how are you doing

 **Martin:** good i guess

 **You:** I'm home next weekend 

**Martin:** did you have fun in Spain

 **You:** Portugal actually

 **Martin:** well did you have fun

 **You:** not very the crew this trip was very talkative very hard to discipline

 **Martin:** oh that sounds hard (?)

 **You:** it was very difficult to do my job

 **You:** it's unsurprising though

 **Martin:** what do you mean

 **You:** people weaken each other. They are distracting and exacerbate our weaknesses a more social crew is idle and does no good for itself

 **Martin:** i guess I can see that sometimes it's harder to get stuff done if you enjoy people's company

 **You:** I enjoy our talks Martin and I think I enjoy the weakness it gives me

 **Martin:** thank you I guess?

 **You:** it's very high compliment

 **You:** anyway will i be seeing you next Saturday for chess

 **Martin:** yes but i have to leave early

 **Martin:** doing a trivia night with my co workers

 **You:** oh? I find that highly peculiar coming from my past experiences. Protect yourself out there

 **Martin:** yes ok

  
  


**Fucker**

**You:** bastard

 **Fucker:** yes dear?

 **You:** fuck you

 **Fucker:** oh?

 **You:** Martin's socialising

 **Fucker:** I'm not sure what my employees' social life has to do with me but good for him

 **You:** don't play coy

 **You:** this is your doing

 **Fucker:** I assure you have done nothing to interfere with my employees's relationships.

 **You:** bullshit

 **Fucker:** Have you considered perhaps that your laissez faire approach is self destructive?

 **You:** have you considered thats how the Lonely works

 **Fucker:** Perhaps you should try shadow managing.

_You blocked_ **_Fucker_ **

**Avatars of London**

**Plukas:** Fuck Elias

 **Hell:** Fuck Elias

 **QueenNiki:** Fuck Elias

**_M?Chael_ ** _Added_ **_Elias B._ ** _to the Chat_

**M?Cheal:** Fuck El1as

 **I’mHot:** FUCK ELIAS  
**Plukas:** Fuck Elias

 **Simon:** Fuck Elias

 **Elias B.:** I’m sorry did you add me to the chat just to curse at me? 

**oLIVEr:** Fuck Elias

 **Annabelle:** Trouble in paradise?

 **Plukas:** he’s a little bitch

 **Elias B.:** I’m in this chatroom

 **Hell:** spill

 **Plukas:** he gets more time with our shared victim than me : (

 **Elias B.:** That's not true

 **Hell:** that sounds difficult

 **oLIVEr:** have you tried renegotiating the terms of custody

 **Elias B.:** There are no terms

 **Plukas:** idk if I could get a judge to rule in my favor I’m away for work alot

 **Elias B.:** there is no legal precedent for any of this

 **oLIVEr:** idk It is Elias were talking about

 **ImHot:** mention his name BOOM you get full custody

 **QueenNiki:** He’s A Little Bitch

**_M?cheal_ ** _changed_ **_Elias B.’s_ ** _name to_ **_Elias Bitchard_ **

**Annabelle:** whose the victim

 **Elias Bitchard:** Martin Blackwood

 **Hell:** yeah who

 **oLIVEr:** ^

 **QueenNiki:** ^

 **Elias Bitchard:** what is going on

 **PLukas:** Martin Blackwood

 **Annabelle:** the Archive Assistant?

 **Plukas:** yes

 **Annabelle:** well then double Fuck Elias

 **Elias Bitchard:** fuck you too you cobweb dusted bitch

**_Hell_ ** _changed_ **_Elias Bitchard’s_ ** _name to_ **_What The Fuck Bitchard_ **

**Hell:** he doesnt deserve you Piotr

 **Plukas:** :(

 **ImHot:** [ https://youtu.be/rlG0QCNLjxE ](https://youtu.be/rlG0QCNLjxE)

**What The Fuck Bitchard:** what

 **QueenNiki:** Yas Chop It Off!!

 **Hell:** ehe Elias should sleep very lightly tonight

 **M?cheal:** y35 h3 sh0u1d

**_H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ r_ ** _emoved_ **_What The Fuck Bitchard_ ** _from the Chat_

**Annabelle:** ppfft

 **QueenNiki:** Why Did You Remove Him? It'd Be Funnier If We Continued

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** I was getting bored with him

 **QueenNiki:** Fair Enough

* * *

Georgie's phone

**😽Baby🗡️**

**😽Baby🗡️:** Come over

 **You:** I’m at Jon’s rn sorry 

**😽Baby🗡️:** booo come over anyway lol

 **You:** I’m watching him

 **😽Baby🗡️:** are they a cat?

 **You:** he always is, but he's bit under the weather at the moment

 **😽Baby🗡️:** oop has he been Taking Care of himself

 **You:** surprisingly yes, they’ve got bad case of statement fatigue though

 **😽Baby🗡️:** yike

 **😽Baby🗡️:** can i come over?

 **You:** if you promise not antagonise him

 **😽Baby🗡️:** you know we love each other ;)

 **You:** yes and they’re barely conscious enough to string words together

 **😽Baby🗡️:** fine i’ll let the widdle one sleep

 **😽Baby🗡️:** see you in 10?

 **You:** 🖤

* * *

Jon’s phone

**Nikola (Do not feed after midnight)**

**Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** i’m coming over

 **Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** answer me

 **Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** I’m Replacing You're Toothpaste With Watery Baking Soda

 **Nikola(do not feed after midnight):** You Really Aren't Going To Correct Me?

 **Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** Hello

 **Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** Hello?

 **Nikola (Do not feed after midnight):** Im Kidnapping You And Getting You Indian

 **Nikola (do not feed after midnight):** :o((

  
  


* * *

Georgie's phone

  
  


**FuckClowns**

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** why is Willy wonKa hot

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** bœo old Meme 

**GloriousClownCar:** Being Old Doesn't Stop People From Being Hot

 **RIPBanksy:** yeah take Peter for example very old and very pretty 

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** whaT meme?

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** the tik tok čosplayer

 **GloriousClownCar :** I Was Talking About Myself

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** I m3ant the characTer from the orginal Ronald DÂhl book

 **RIPBanksy:** How old are you?

 **GloriousClownCar:** my skin is 22 but I've only had it for a month :o)))))))

 **RIPBanksy :** [MissJacksonReaction.jpeg](https://i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/030/030/jackson.jpg)

**Yike:** are the twins ok?

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** ŸËS 

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** |\| ∅

 **GloriousClownCar :** I Have No Idea!

 **Melanie's:** Can someone come collect Nikola she broke into Jon's flat

 **GloriousClownCar:** Hey I Was Given A Key

 **Melanie's:** which you didn't use

 **Annabananaspider:** that's because she ate it 

**Georgie's:** why tho

 **Melanie's:** because she's a clown makeup wearing gremlin with bad skin

**_GloriousClownCar_ ** _is typing..._

**Georgie's:** Georgie that was mean

 **Annabananaspider:** most of those were compliments to Nik actually

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** ℅) she has a lot of fun typing doesn't she

 **Yike:** can we get back to the twins

 **Georgie's:** it'd be funny if it wasn't terrifying

 **Georgie's:** _nikola-stuckinThewindowTypingfuriously.mp4_

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** nº

 **Melanie’s:** should i just push her out

 **Annabananaspider:** i think you should let her inside :::)

 **Yike:** are you ok tho

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** why do you ask¿

 **Yike:** because you never refer to yourself as a singular being when your like this

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** No One elSe seemS to have problem

 **Yike:** you’re giving me the heebie jeebies

 **H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆:** as is our ၂ob why are you so concerned

 **Yike:** its not normal

 **Georgie’s:** Mike: Fusion is just a weak tactic to make weak gems stronger!

 **Melanie’s:** not now darling

 **M?chael:** TH1s !$ G@rn3t B@ck toge+h3r!

 **H£ቺ£n:** ????

 **Melanie’s:** maybe it is

 **GloriousClownCar:** What the nya did chu just fucking say about me, chu wittwe bitch?? i’ww have chu know i gwaduated top of mwy cwass in the navy seaws, and i’ve been invowved in numewous secwet waids on aw-quaeda, and i have ovew 300 confiwmed kiwws. i am twained in gowiwwa wawfawe and i’m the top snipew in the entiwe us awmed fowces. Chu awe nothing to me but just anothew tawget. I wiww wipe chu the nya out with pwecision the wikes of which has nevew been seen befowe on dis eawth, mwawk mwy fucking wowds. chu fink chu can get away with saying dat shit to me ovew the intewnet?? fink again, fuckew. As we speak i am contacting mwy secwet netwowk of spies acwoss the usa and youw ip is being twaced wight now so chu bettew pwepawe fow the stowm, mwaggot. The stowm dat wipes out the pathetic wittwe thing chu caww youw wife. You’we fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhewe, anytime, and i can kiww chu in ovew seven hundwed ways, and that’s just with mwy bawe hands. not onwy am i extensivewy twained in unawmed combat, but i have access to the entiwe awsenaw of the united states mwawine cowps and i wiww use it to its fuww extent to wipe youw mwisewabwe ass off the face of the continent, chu wittwe shit. If onwy chu couwd have known what unhowy wetwibution youw wittwe “cwevew” comment was about to bwing down upon chu, mwaybe chu wouwd have hewd youw fucking tongue. but chu couwdn’t, chu didn’t, and now you’we paying the pwice, chu goddamn idiot. I wiww shit fuwy aww ovew chu and chu wiww dwown in it. you’we fucking dead, kiddo.

 **Georgie’s:** did you memorise that!

 **Melanaie’s** : thats insanely cursed

 **GloriousClownCar:** Let Me In

 **Melanie’s:** no

 **GloriousClownCar:** ok

 **Melanie’s:** that's what gets her to leave?!

 **Melanie’s:** she woke up Jon

 **Georgie’s:** that means Mac and Cheese time ( ◕ᴗ◕)っ✂

 **AnnaBananaSpider:** why you got scissors

 **Georgie’s:** to open the pasta ( ◕ᴗ◕)っ✂ no other reason 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Naomi would be very very pretty in the princessy way Maude Fealy was. Shes just sooo pretty. 
> 
> most of me writing this was mostly just me saying somethin **I** wanted to be said and then the characters gaining their own life around it so yeah if you're wondering why Tim and Sasha are each others other-people's-boundaries patrol, Oliver thinks Peter Lukas is hot ( the man is like 57 good god), Gerry speaks German or whatever i just snapped in here i didnt mean it i just happened. 
> 
> actually i think Gerry might speak German in the canon but i idk. I know he IS German though.
> 
> Süsse(r) means sugar it's a term of endearment according to the 15mins i spent on the internet. I don't like it for Micheal though, but it was the only one that told me how to adjust it for fem and masc grammar so i used it. I dont know how to adjust it for the neuter though. 
> 
> If anybody knows German and can help if appreciate if you could answer some questions  
> Is Mausbär is neuter?  
> Does it appropriately fit Micheal through Gerry's eyes because i wanted to use it based on it's literal meaning but i couldn't figure out the grammar gender?


	6. je te donne...uh *french word for garbage* why am i like this i have a dictionary right next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plot progression or as youre probably going to call it filler (derogatory)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to give a heads up for Lukas. He and Elias are canon-typical as I can try and thats not very good people stuff. From what I can tell although it was not in my orginal plans they will get worse as the fic goes on, especially Lukas and especially towards Martin. So yeah.
> 
> I'm very appreciative of your comments and kudos it means alot to know that people are reading the thinly veiled urban fanasty, get all my headcanons out, and assign dumb situations to characters fic. I really do want to know how the links are working and if michael and otehr Spiral's words are making sense ( i know they aren't suppose to) but if can fix something I'd like t0
> 
> thanks   
> -Imagi

Gerry's phone

**Perry**

**You:** Hey do you think you could buzz me in I lost my ID

**Perry:** Again? How? 

**You:** I got willingly kidnapped by vampire hunters

**Perry:** Good for you. Were they hot?

**You:** gross no 

**You:** let me in

**Perry:** I;m coming Management is going to have to implant your badge right into your arm

**You:** That won't end well

**Perry:** you got Trypanphobia?

**You:** Sure let's say that

  
  


**Süsse(r)**

**Süsse(r):** C0m3 w@tch N!nj@g0 wi+h m3

**You:** Sorry I can’t I have to file a report about my kidnapping

**Süsse(r):** W3 c@n w@+ch 3pisod3 69 in G3rm@n~~

**You:** 8(( Still can’t

**Süsse(r):** %<

**Süsse(r):** Do you have a way to get Elias to pull out his hair

**You:** do you want a list of ideas or things that have worked

**Süsse(r):** bR@1n$t0rm

**You:** Pun his name, ignore him, use a mirror when he tries to See you, let Lukas give you attention, selfie with Barnabas, gay jokes, sneeze only into your hands, tell him theres a spider in his hair, hang out with Jon but do nothing

**Süsse(r)** : WhY JoN

**You:** Because Elias is possessive of his Archivist

**Süsse(r):** Djun’s not eve nElais’s they’re the 3y3s

**You:** Jon’s really their own person honestly

**Süsse(r):** th3 0n1y r3@s0n h3 f0und h!ms3lf !n th3 W3b i$ b3c@u$3 h3 struggl3s s0 hard t0 b3 h1$ ownp3rs0n

**You:** Jon’s Web?

**Süsse(r):** @ccording t0 Annabelle 

**You:** Annabelle also lies to get what she wants e.g. telling Jon his greatest fear is true

**Süsse(r):** 0ㅇf +ouche'

**Süsse(r):** ◯К ьuТ 〰️Һæt !f w3 w@tch3d The Ninلago M0v1e

**You:** I’m listening

**FuckClowns**

**GloriousClownCar:** If I Die I Want All Of You To Parade My Corpse Around Like I’m Still Living And Deny That I Am Dead

**GloriousClownCar:** The Only Hint That I Am Not-Alive (Should Such Adjective Be Attributed To Me) Will Be A Vague Quiet Apology And Vehement Denial When It Is Suggested That I Am Dead

**H£ቺ£n:** Where should we apologise

**GloriousClownCar:** Where Ever You Think My Soul Should Go. That Is, If I Had One

**Yike:** If I die I want all of you to make memes about it

**JH:** when you die my first meme will be for your funeral

**Yike:** :’ ))

**GloriousClownCar:** Jared :o)))

**JH:** Hello Nikola

**Yike:** you’ve literally made my life complete I’d be honoured to die and be your first meme

**JH:** ::⋑

**Yike:** Gasp : 0

_**GloriousClownCar** Changed **JH’s** name to **Legend** _

**Legend:** oh?

**GloriousClownCar:** :o))

**Melanie’s:** when I die I just want you guys to know i’m finally getting the sleep I deserve

**Georgie's:** i'm telling you babe sound proof earbuds

**RIPBanksy:** can we backtrack to the fact Nikola is uncertain she’ll die 

**FuckLeitner:** happens sometimes

**GloriousClownCar:** I Am A Mannequin

**RIPBanksy:** All things degrade Nik

**GloriousClownCar:** Maybe You Do But I'm Built Different

**GloriousClownCar:** Literally

**Melanie's:** plastic bottles degrade in 400 years that means you're middle aged

**GloriousClownCar:** [discountPikachuShock.jpg](https://i.redd.it/ac7ocjutxg631.jpg%C2%A0)

**RIPBanksy:** i thought you already embraced being a milf

**Legend:** what's a milf

**Melanie's:** how do you have fucked up memes too

**Yike** : a milf is a compliment like pretty

**GloriousClownCar:** why did you have to remind me of mortality

**H£ቺ£n:** yes Jared it's a very good compliment

**RIPBanksy:** no do not listen to them 

**M?chael:** no don't listen to Ol!v3r

**Melanie's:** it's my job to remind people of the Blissful Sleep it's literally what I am an avatar of

**M?chael:** sounds like your hungry to me

**Melanie's:** I'm perfectly fine

**RIPBanksy:** wait @Yike why don’t you think you’ll die

**Yike:** oh i just mistyped

**Legend:** it's ok Nikola we'll find you a new body so you can be milf again

**H£ቺ£n:** omfg

**Yike:** legend

**Melanie's:** sweetie no

**Georgie's:** ship of theseus but with body parts

**Melanie's:** aren't you filming right now

**Georgie's:** suppose to be but their making us go through extended checks >:/

**Georgie's:** we've done the paperwork already i dont know why we have to do it again

**Melanie's:** whatever you do, don't stab them

**Georgie's:** i won't I'm not that self destructive

**RIPBanksy:** bet

**Georgie’s:** I will literally stab you

**RIPBanksy:** bite me

**Georgie’s:** i will

**RIPBanksy:** kinky

**H£ቺ£n:** Oliver you’re antagonizing the puppy stop

**Georgie’s:** [Mich _elScottI'llKillYou.gif_](https://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/ill_kill_you_office.gif) _ _

**H£ቺ£n:** am i wrong? youre adorable

**Melanie's:** how about we don't

**M?chael:** 3ww th3 @m3r!can 0ff!ce

**Yike:** do you perfer the British one?

**M?chael:** they all suck

**AnnaBananaSpider:** @M?chael proves yet again to be the better mike

**FuckLeitner:** ^^^

**Yike:** excuse me?

**RipBanksy:** stream B99 for clear skin

**M?cheal:** 1f I c0u1d k1ck u I would

**M?chael:** ...w@it...

**RIPBanksy:** Micheal just kicked me

**Melanie’s:** how about we talk about how much Elizabethan pop culture Jon little k knows

* * *

Sasha’s Phone

**Johnny-Bois Lackey’s**

**Timbo:** my phone just autocorrected sauce to ડæᑗc터 @Sasha have you been through my phone

**Sasha:** no but I can say that’s my fault

**Sasha:** Is Jon in yet?

**Martin:** no I don't think so

**Sasha:** Tim

**Sasha:** Have you seen Jon?

**Timbo:** no 

**Timbo:** maybe he’s late

**Sasha:** Mr. Lives-at-the-institute is going to be late?

**Martin:** he didn’t look so hot when he left early yesterday

**Timbo:** he looks hot constantly so idk what you're talking about

**Sasha:** tIM you know what he means

**Martin:** oh?

**Timbo:** I’m allowed to drop hints that I like Jon

**Sasha:** yeah everywhere except in front of Jon apparently

**Timbo:** 😞 called out by my own girlfriend the biphobia is real

**Sasha:** I’m Bi

**Timbo:** Ok and? Im being inconvenience and I’m bi ergo biphobia

**Martin:** You two are dating?

**Sasha:** Coming up 6 months

**Timbo:** yes but we also had an unspoken thing spanning about a year and 2 months before

Sasha: No we did not

**Timbo:** ;) sure we didn’t *wink wink*

**Sasha:** he likes annoying me 

**Timbo:** because I love you

**Sasha:** why don’t you tell that to Jon

**Timbo:** [ ht ](https://i.imgflip.com/3akfen.png)

**Sasha:** horseshit

**Timbo:** he’s like immune to flirting everytime I try it feels like it goes over his head or he thinks I’m having a piss

**Sasha:** then tell him directly 

**Timbo:** again

**Timbo:**

**Martin:** maybe he’s straight

**Sasha:** oh no is he?

**Timbo:** Elias? Hire a straight person? Impossible

**Sasha:** idk stranger things have happened

**Timbo:** well now I’m definitely not doing it

**Sasha:** coward

**Timbo:** biphobe

**My Timbo**

**My Timbo:** is it wrong to panic?

**You:** idk probably 

**My Timbo:** but he could have had a heart attack or 

**My Timbo:** and you said yourself the statements are pretty bad even for an avatar so

**You:** the worse effects stay for about 12 hours and then there's lethargy for a week but Jon's been doing this a while he should be shaky for a few days but thats all

**My Timbo:** that's not something that seems to stop him often

**You:** ok but unless it was a transferable manifestation of the Eye giving him destructive paranoia he's fine ok?

**You:** Tim?

**My Timbo:** he didn’t get back to me

**Sasha:** let’s take a deep breathe and not panic again that's very unlikely from what I know

**My Timbo:** but not impossible

**Sasha:** deep breath

* * *

Jon’s Phone

_**Notifications:** 100+ unread messages _

**Satan**

**Satan:** i know you're asleep but that doesn't excuse you from being given flak

**Satan:** did you actually give Nikola a key to your flat??? That's the dumbest decision

**Satan:** ok i’m very sure Georgie is about to kick Nikola out of the window for your honor? Why tho

**Satan:** ok you’re seriously spaced out rn so i’m going to write to future you

**Satan:** i am this close to smacking you so that you eat more dunno what that will do but it feels like a solution

**Satan:** My name is melanie and i did not know cats have 100 vocalizations or that octopuses were mollusks or that the Lukases have killed 4 normie cousins in the last 13 months 

**Satan:** I’m going to hit you if you don’t eat more than a bite of your kraft god damn it

**Satan:** stop using compulsion with stupid questions

**Satan:** ik you think you’re baby but that title belongs to me

**Satan:** mx. Clam over here being the king of oversharing

**Satan:** pics or i don't believe you

**Satan:** ok goodnight loser (the rest of your mac is in the fridge. Eat it)

**You:** I admire the documentation

**Satan:** this is nothing compared to the videos I took

**You:** No

**Melanie:** Yes >:))

**Annabelle 🕸️🕷️**

**Annabelle 🕸️🕷️:** you know it's stupid to be mad at me

Seen **✓**

  
  


**💮⚘Oliver⚰**

**💮⚘Oliver⚰:** hey do you want to go to Royal Botanical Gardens this weekend? They have an exhibit on spooky plants.

**You:** sorry i was late getting back I'd love to go with you

  
  
  


**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆**

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ :** Hello Archivist...can you tell H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ that its being unsensible also give us good punsfor Douchard

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ :** UnSeNsiBLe isN’t A W0rD

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ :** I’m being rude. Archivist tell me to shut up 

**H̴̺͐̒͘?̵͇̙̏̈̋̂͂C̵̻̝̠̗̓͛̆ͅḫ̵͖̰̦͖̎̑̀a̷̢̡̙̗͉͊̊͗͗e̶͖͇̖̠̩̩͋ļ̴̧̛̠̞̫͙͋͒̑̐̕l̷͖̖̜̙̯̑͂̕͝e̷̡̢̨͇̔̉l̷̨̼̦͖͗̌̆ :** !’m not r00d ur rUd3

**Tim(?)**

**Tim(?):** Are you coming into work?

**You:** Yes, I am. I am running late though. Do you have the follow up for the MacDonough statement.

**Tim(?):** yes

**You:** Very well, thank you.

**You:** And thank you for showing concern, but I am fine. No heart attacks for me yet

* * *

Tim's phone

**Sasha💖**

**You:** !!!

**Sasha 💖:** i take it Jon got back to you?

**You:** spooky time

**You:** **screenshot-of-jonThankingTim.png**

**Sasha💖:** coincidence

**You:** no but I really think it might be spooky

**Sasha💖:** can you prove without a shadow of a doubt that it s spooky? With words.

**You:** No

**Sasha💖:** Then i wouldn't say anything, I agree with you it's strange, but I'd wait until there's no other answer

**You:** but he needs to know anyway

**You:** about the entites

**Sasha💖:** revealing entities to people isn't easy especially to people like Jon 

**You:** because he doesn't believe in the supernatural

Sasha💖: just imagine in conversation

**You:** ' hey boss I know you don't believe in literally anything but you're forming a symbiotic bond with the concept of fear and guess what we already have those bonds so we can show you the ropes'

**Sasha💖:** basically 

**Sasha💖:** don't forget 'you'll have to feed off human misery or else you die'' 

**You:** livin the dream

**Sasha💖:** he's also drenched in fear 

**You:** are we going to have to tell Martin

**Sasha💖:** idk and i don't know which option is better

**You:** wym

**Sasha💖:** i don't think he knows and if we tell him do we enlighten him just to let him live his life in fear or do we push him further towards something

**You:** i don't like this

**Sasha💖:** yeah 

**Sasha💖:** [ _ drake-yay-nay-meme-aboutCommentingcode.jpeg _ ](https://miro.medium.com/max/1920/0*z1mm6izqSeDiKukb)

**Mike**

**Mike:** can you go to artefact storage and tell me if there's book with the title 'A Dream's Manifest'

**You:** I'm at work where i do work Mike i'm not helping you

**Mike:** it's mine

**You:** you mean you want it. I'm not feeding your Leitner addiction

**Mike:** would it make you feel better if I told you I was giving it to Michael

**You:** not really, because Michael would actually use the book

**Mike:** bold of you to assume they can read

**You:** meaning it will go back to you, no

**Mike:** please

**You:** No I'm not stealing company property so you can jack off to book jackets

**Mike:** I hate that

**You:** Because it's accurate

**Mike:** -_-

**You** : It's cause it's accurate isn't it

**Mike:** no it isn't

**You:** Then what Do you do with them

**You:** You don't read them. So what do you do.

**Mike:** none of your business

**You:** I'm not getting it for you

**Mike:** fine

* * *

Martin’s phone

**Mum**

**Martin:** Hi mum, I'm coming by after work, do you want me to bring you anything?

**Mum:** No...I don't need anything.

**Martin:** Ok are they treating you well?

Seen **✓**

**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Martin:** Jon's back 

**Martin:** he's in his office, he looks mad

**Sasha:** Thanks for heads up

**Work Chat**

**J.Sims:** If anybody sees a statement involving the Lukas family, please, bring it to me.

**S.James:** Are you looking for a specific one?

**J.Sims:** No. Just any and all statements that involve the Lukas family. Thank you.

**Johnny-Bois Lackeys**

**Martin:** Do the Lukases show up often in statements?

**Timbo:** sometimes

**Sasha:** they are a pretty old family

**Timbo:** and large

**Sasha:** Elias just told Jon not look into statements concerning them that's why he's so grumbly

**Timbo:** oh? spooky?

_The Lonely Deleted_ **[Martin:** why would Elias do that **]**

**Sasha:** maybe

**Timbo:** 👀👀

**Sasha:** couldn't tell you but I'm sure it will lead somewhere

_The Lonely Deleted_ **[Martin:** what’s going on? **]**

**Timbo:** Should we stop him?

**Sasha:** I'm not sure

**Martin:** I'm glad you two know why this is so intriguing

**Sasha:** I'm sorry Martin

**Sasha:** the Lukases are big donors to the institute 

**Timbo:** there's also a rumour that Bouchard's banging one of them

**Sasha:** ukgffun I did not know that 

**Timbo:** Mike may be book addicted emo but he's also great for intel about the circle

**Martin:** so why does Jon need to look into them and why are you trying to 'stop' Jon

**Tim:** 👀👀👀 

**Martin:** yeah that what does that mean

**Sasha:** i did not think of that

**Martin:** hello?

Martin looked over at Tim's desk with a stare that meant to be cold. He tried to convey how unmused he is with being—well not excluded— counted out (?) of the conversation without being too forceful. 

It was childish he knew that, but honestly, there are private messages. If he wanted to be ignored he’d visit his mum more. He cringed at the thought, but it was true. Perhaps, Peter was right. His coworkers were in their own little world and he couldn’t make the cut to fit into it.

Maybe he could ask for more information directly, but his coworkers had already avoided his questions once and he didn't know how to transfer the text conversation to a verbal one in order to get what he wanted. So he just stared at Tim ,thinking of some sort of prompt, until the other man gave him an acknowledging wink. 

"Got something on your mind, Marto. Maybe some _ thing _ in particular?” Tim raises an eyebrow.  _ 'Someone _ ?' 

“ I–No...I w–not that–” Martin curls into himself partly in fluster of  _ implications _ and partly out of trying to seem innocent in staring. As if he hadn't been mad for childish reasons. “I wanted to know if you wanted some tea. I was about to make myself some.

“I mean if you wanted.” Martin shifts his eyes to his mug shaped escape. 

'I'm good. Thanks though.”

Martin hums in understanding. And walks into the kitchenette. 

  
  


**Mr. Lukas**

**Martin:** Are you related to the Lukas family that donates to the Magnus Institute?

**Mr. Lukas:** Well yes I am why?

**Martin:** I don't how to put it

**Mr. Lukas:** Well it can wait if you need it

**Martin:** Did you know I worked for the institute? 

**Martin:** I mean I’m grateful for it but it was odd. I recently got a promotion and…

**Mr. Lukas:** am I responsible for that promotion

**Martin:** uh yes

**Mr. Lukas:** Well I didn't know that you worked there so I think that answers your question. 

**Martin:** I'm sorry it's just

**Martin:** the promotion was pretty sudden and...

**Mr. Lukas:** Martin you're a smart boy and you have a good work ethic. Don't discredit yourself like that. I have half a mind to put you on my ship. You'd be a good candidate.

**Martin:** um thank you but that's not very necessary

**Martin:** I mean I like my job and it's familiar? So

**Mr. Lukas:** of course

**Mr. Lukas:** but if you realise that not everything s clicking

* * *

Tim's phone

**Grandaddy 🌠**

_**Grandaddy 🌠** has venmoed you £80 _

**_Grandaddy 🌠_ ** _has venmoed you £800_

**Grandaddy 🌠:** sorry about that pressed the wrong button

**You:** can you explain this? I’d say its an allowance but you don't have rhyme or reason

**Grandaddy:** can’t an old man give money to his grandson

**You:** yeah thats another thing I’d like some explanation on

**Grandaddy:** well what is blood but nanoscopic structures that have almost no difference in the grand scheme

**You:** ...i guess 

**Grandaddy 🌠:** I just want to say my congratulations to you

**Sasha💖**

**Sasha💖:** It’s official Martin's human

**You:** or he's covering himself

**Sasha💖:** i think he's firmly human

**You:** so lukas is just using him as a meal

**Sasha💖:** probably

**You:** fuck that

**Johnny-bois Lackeys**

**Timbo:** i think we should have a catch up lunch/team bonding each week.

**Sasha:** I'm on board. Martin?

**Martin:** I guess 

**Sasha:** is Jon not going to be part of it

**Timbo:** well you know I want him to be but I thought this might be an assistants only thing at least at first

**Sasha:** ok

**Martin:** oh ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avatars but especially spirals to phones are as phones to hotel keys fuck that shit up. 
> 
> Curse the Alnwick Poison Muesum for being so far away from London I wanted Oliver and Jon to have a little date there
> 
> I hope you picked up on the fact Sasha fills the void and apologizes with programing memes as I do becasue listen if Jonny didn't give her enough time to have her own character then I'm legally allowed to insert as much as I want that i think is applicable.

**Author's Note:**

> I love gushing about this au and hearing new ideas so pls dont be afraid to comment. I cant bite through a computer so dont be scared to drop a comment, concern, or fun bat fact. Also questions please I love questions.


End file.
